crying.

I don’t do much of it. so I was genuinely surprised when I felt tears making their way down my cheeks while reading something my friend had written for me, like a good bye note. and I felt the need to thank him, to tell him how much I appreciate all that he’s done for me, so I’m using this space here to do so, since I don’t see him, until December at least. and this might not really make sense because I’m just putting my miscellaneous thoughts down, but I know he’ll understand it the way he always does.

Anyways, what surprised me more was the fact that he’s actually never told me, in words, half the things he wrote about, and yet I knew he felt that way. and I realized that I used to think that he told me in person that he worried about me. then it hit me. he’s never said it out loud. his actions were what made me realize that he was worried. whenever I tell him what’s going on, he gets this look on his face, like he was feeling what I was feeling: sadness, pain, regret, confusion, all of it.

anywho, after I read what he wrote, I took some time to think about it. and I don’t know where to keep it, so I’m just gonna post it as a part of my blog. anyways, here it goes:

thanks for saying that im perfect, and that what my bitchy ass editor says doenst matter. and it’s true, what she says honestly doesn’t matter to me anymore. so thank you, for helping me realize that. and thanks, also, for always worrying about me, even if that worry turned out to be unnecessary. I learned that, just like you did, I can, in fact take care of myself, I just needed someone to show me that. so from now on, I’ll think of the whole situation w/ TSP as the thing that helped me realize how independent I can be, something I’ve never realized before. and now that I know it, I don’t have to rely on people as much, and get annoyed at them when they can’t do what I asked them to do. now, I know that I can do all sorts of things myself.

And I’m not always there for everyone. only for people who I truly care about, and you and terence fall under that category, which is why i wanted to stop terence from doing the “unquestionable things” you mentioned. and im selfish. I help people when I want to, and I stop when it gets too much for me to deal with. but despite that, im glad you thought I was unselfish and that I was a “good person” for trying to help people.

but, yes, I will try to be more selfish than what you see me as. and I know who I really should care about now, so I won’t hurt myself over someone that’s not worth getting hurt for. and you’ve helped me realize who the people are, and you, definitely are one of them.

i owe you so much, I’ll try to make it up to you but I don’t really know how to yet. so right now, let me just say that I’ll be here for you whenever you need me, no matter where I am or what time it is.

I love you mitch. and I highly doubt you’ll ever read this. but that’s okay, as long as this post remains on my blog, there is a slight possibility that you’ll come across this, or someone might read it and tell you about it, and when you do, you’ll know how much I truly appreciate all you’ve done for me.