things are never what it looks like.

i understood what you were saying. you were telling me that you loved me the most, that your surrender proved it.  i wanted to argue, but there was no point in starting an argument that would only hurt you more.  two futures, two soul mates... to much for any one person, let alone myself. and so unfair that i wouldn't be the only one to pay for it. Cringing at the thought of that price, i wondered if i would have wavered, if i hadnt lost you once. if i didnt know what it was like to live without you. i wasnt sure. that knowledge was so deep a part of me, i couldnt imagine how i would feel without it. My hindsight seemed unbearable clear. i could see every mistake i'd made, very bit of harm i'd done, the small things and the big things. Each pain i'd caused you, each wound i've given you, stacked up into neat piles that i could not ignore or deny. And i realized that i’d been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not been us that i’d been trying to force together, it was the two parts myself, my me and your me. But they could not exist together and i never should have tried. I’d done so much damage.

At some point during all this, i remembered the promise i’d made to myself earlier----- that i would never make you see me shed another tear. for myself, for you, or for anyone. The thought brought on a round of hysteria. But it passed too, when it had fun its course. It took longer than i thought it would for that smaller, broken part of me to cry herself out. It happened, though, and i was eventually exhausted enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not bring full relief from the pain, just a numbing, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more bearable. But it was still there: i was aware of it, even asleep, and that helped me to make the adjustments i needed to make.