you just don't understand.

I guess I should say sorry that I haven't thought about my future and everything. But truth be told, I spent the entire september trying to fit in at the school. And october on trying to figure out what to study for the mid terms. And then the exchange student, which you know bothered me to the extreme. And that was a week ago. And this week, I went to school on Monday, skipped on Tuesday cause I wasn’t fucking feeling well, school on wednesdsay but I was still sick and whatnot, and school on Thursday but I had the cookie hour shit. and then today.







So would you like to tell me when the fuck I had the time to fucking go see a teacher and talk about what I wanna do later on in my life.






You don't understand anything.


That's the basic idea. You don't understand what happens at school everyday, you don't see past my fake smiles, you don't hear the words im really trying to convey, you just don't understand.






Maybe you'll say that I'm supposed to tell you everything that goes on at school. You'll also say that maybe its my fault that you don’t understand because I don’t try to make you understand.






But the truth is, I don't tell you things because back in taiwan, when I tried to talk to you about friendship and whatnot, you didn't understand.


I had a problem. And I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to talk about it, not you. All I wanted was for someone to listen to my side of the story, rather than believe whatever they heard from other people. That was all I wanted. For you to just listen. But no, what you do instead is you take my story, tell it to other people, ask for THEIR fucking opinion, and tell me THAT.


You lost my trust then. I didn't want you telling me what others thought, or what you thought. I just needed you to sit there and let me do the talking.






After that, I stopped telling you things. You noticed that I've been distant. But you just blamed that on that thing called "being a teenager". You thought it was a phase I'd get over. And you think everythings okay now, because I don’t yell at you anymore. Or because we don't fight anymore or I tell you things that happen at school.






Now, here's what I really hope.


I hope that you notice, sooner or later, that it wasn't just a phase I was going through, that it wasn’t me being a teenager that brought this on, that the reason why I don’t yell at you or why we don’t fight, is because I try to keep it in, instead of letting it all out, and that the things I tell you about school really are things that aren’t so important to me.






and I hope you understand that. and stop fucking pretending like we’re okay, because I am quite annoyed at you. you just don’t know it. or maybe you do, you’re just in denial.






now, about my future.


I kinda know what I wanna do. I just don’t know enough to tell you yet. I haven’t done my research, I haven’t quite figured out what I wanna do, so if I tell you now, it won’t be complete and I didn’t want that.






the reason why I started crying when you were telling me things was that I just had a lot going on in my mind and I couldn’t hold it in. my emotions took over, rather than my ability to remain rational, and sometimes, that happens. I didn’t shed a tear this past month. and a lot has happened. I just couldn’t keep it inside me anymore and that thing you said about me not being able to think on my own, kinda triggered it.






so it’s been established that you don’t understand.


it’s also quite clear that maybe we need to stop trying to understand each other because that won’t happen.

im sorry, but this is the truth.