a little bit of me.

in all honesty, i cannot wait to get out of this place. there is absolutely nothing i want more right now, than to get out of here.

it's not that i dont like japan as a country. i do. good food and good stuff and people are generally good. it's just the japanese community and their #1 rule that i simply cannot stand: conformity.

whenever im at school, i feel like im suffocating. like the room im in is too crowded, or like people are literally inside my head telling me to be just like them and i cant breathe because i dont want to be like them because that's not who i am and i believe that the moment i lose myself in the community is the moment i break apart and not be myself anymore.

i dont want to admit that im not as strong as i act at school. because when i admit that, it felt like i was saying i was acting around my friends. but the truth is, i needed that bit of acting. i needed to pretend like i was strong so i would actually feel strong. i'm so fucking weak, it surprised me. it's like im constantly full of fresh wounds that are unwilling to heal, and all i can do to survive through them is to keep telling myself im not going to fall apart.

but lately, it's been way too hard for me. i pretend not to hear people talking behind my back or see when people point me out because im not dressed like them, but really, i know them all. i try not to let them get to me, but i have my days and when im feeling like shit as is, i sometimes cant bear it.

you know my name, not my story.