commitment.

i'm afraid of commitment. of promises. and of the pain caused when the promises are broken. the feeling of trust that has taken time to develop shatters in a second when promises are unkept. commitment puts a limit to my freedom. knowing the limitation, i'm scared i won't be able to be myself. i'm not strong, i know i can't deal with the pain, and there's nowhere for me to take my feelings out on. everything becomes so bottled up inside, i loose the ability to act logically. i start speaking in a monotone voice and say things i don't necessarily mean. my words get all jumbled up and i can't think straight. and most of the time, i end my little monologue with the phrase "im afraid of the concept of "change"". but you know what, things change, people change, it's inevitable. and i know it, for i have gone through big changes and jumped between different stages in my life, especially in the past 2 years, but im comfortable with where i am now, i don't want any sudden changes. if i'm going to be betrayed, i want to be notified of it beforehand, so i can get ready to deal with whatever emotion that sparks inside of me when it happens. i'm anticipating betrayal, broken promises, unwinding commitment. there is no such thing as forever. i'm not being cynical, it's a fact. nobody lives forever, therefore; i repeat, there is no such thing as forever. i personally feel that when people say "i will love you forever," either in terms of a friendship, love, or just any relationship in general, they are making a promise that they cannot keep. so how come when someone says that to me, i feel safe and sound, like i've finally found a place i belong?
since 2005, i feel like i've been a different person each year. i spent most of 2005 being confused by the change in the environment i lived in. 2006 was when i first experienced betrayal by people i trusted, and 2007 consisted of broken promises and forgiving unwillingly. 2008 was a year spent dwelling over what couldn't've been changed no matter how hard i tried. 2009 was the year i realized how much i loved the people that has been by my side since the beginning, and the first half of 2010 was spent saying good-byes and the rest through the first half of 2011, i dont even know who i was during that period of time.
for this, although i feel that i grasp the concept of change and no-forever pretty well, i cannot help but be assured by the words directed towards me.
i repeat, commitment is binding and forever is a promise that can never be kept, not because im being ignorant, but because forever doesn't exist. i believe that instead of trying to find forever, it is better to live life to the fullest while it is possible.

again, trust takes time to build up, but only a moment to shatter. don't make promises that you cannot keep. do not, and i mean never, betray the ones that love you unconditionally.