compilation of thoughts.

before I write, I know how crazy this is going to be. I need to write, to express my thoughts, to write it down so I know what I’m feeling is real. so here it goes:

I know this is going to sound unconvincing, but I know how to take care of myself. I’ve been doing that since my freshmen year, and I know my actions and words in sophomore year showed nothing that proved how capable I am, I just need you to trust me on this. I know sophomore year was a living hell. Of course, I knew I wasn’t going to have it easy, moving back in the middle of the year and not making an effort to fit in, but I didn’t expect it to be this terrible. Part of me makes me wish I could go back. but another part of me tells me that I wouldn’t be where I am without the past. And I like where I am right now. I’m not proud of the things I did, the things I said, and the way I acted in the past, but if that’s what it takes for me to be where I am, then I’m all in. Besides, things improved in my junior year. Starting a new grade was like being given a fresh start. Despite a few people knowing me from previous year, most of them didn’t. I was able to start over. And that’s what brought me here. Junior year went pretty well, since I was able to put some distance between myself and the ones who made my sophomore year a living hell.

And I have to say, I was mistaken about some people. I didn’t expect to be talking to the people I talk to now, and I would’ve never dreamt of spending time after school with them, even if it was for a class. I thought I would hate every second I spend with them, but that proved to be wrong. They are actually pretty nice, considerate, intelligent and accepting. They are not as intimidating as I made them out to be in the past, and I doubt they think of me in the same way they did when we were sophomores. I’m glad it worked out for all of us, since I know it would’ve been a complete waste to not be on good terms with them.  

Also, needless to say, the girls I spend my time with every day are the very ones who have saved me and I cannot be any more grateful for them than this. They saved me from my everlasting fear of going to school. It was they who made me realise the good things about school, friends, and life itself. Now, I know this is going to sound corny, but I really wouldn’t know what to do without them. I am forever in debt for all the things they have done. I know they don’t realise what terrible state I was in at the beginning of junior year because they didn’t know me until then, but seriously, they saved me. I might not even be here, had I not met them. and where I would be if I hadn’t met them, that’s a scary thought and I don’t ever want to revisit that place, ever again.

with all that in mind, i think it’s fair to say I’m scared of going off to college. meeting new people have made two impressions on me, two complete opposite impressions. one, meeting new people meant meeting more and more people who didn’t like me. two, meeting new people meant they could save me from myself. now, I know that the chances of meeting people who dislike me is low, but I can’t just ignore the fact the chance is still there.

Me a year ago would’ve wanted to go off to college as soon as I can, to get the hell away from here. but that was because there were outside forces trying to make sure my life sucked as much as it can possibly suck without me committing suicide. but now that those same people are actually the ones I’m working with, I don’t feel the same way about my life as I did before. so my need to escape turned to a want. it’s now not a necessity but a dream.

Of course, I still want to live abroad. and study abroad. but now I know that its all for the right reasons. Before, I wanted to go abroad to get out of this country, away from all the childish drama that has followed me around since sophomore year. but now, I want to go because I have a dream, a goal, and to get to that goal, I have to study abroad.

and it’s nice to realise that I had real reasons for wanting to go abroad, but with that, my doubt about applying to a certain school increased. I know that it will be a great experience living where the school is located, and that what I can learn from it will be useful in my future career. especially since my goal requires a wide knowledge of different parts of the world and its culture. but it would be like taking a detour to my dream. if I go somewhere that offers a course in what I really want to study, I wouldn’t have to worry about taking a detour. but the experience itself is overwhelming. I want the experience. but im all set on my dream, I feel like im gonna waste time. four years is a really long time to stay away from what I want to do. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately but I still can’t quite figure it out.

I seriously don’t mind all the thinking, because it helps me see different sides of me that I never knew existed, but sometimes it gets tiring. like my thoughts are all intertwined with each other so whenever I start thinking of one thing, some other thought pops up and stops me from thinking clearly of the things I need to think about. and then I find myself unable to figure out the right thing to do and I completely lose myself. and I don’t think I can take that anymore. I know what comes from me breaking down and I know it won’t be pretty.

okay, so my rambling has strayed away from my original point completely. but I think this is written rather straightforwardly, which was exactly what I was going for. it’s been a while since I actually wrote stuff like this. in all honesty, I wish I could talk to my parents about this. or rather, I wish I could talk to my mum about it. it’s hard when we talk about college or about winter holidays and she keeps mentioning where she wants me to go and she believes im going there or something. it’s like I don’t have a choice. it’s like she doesn’t even notice when I try to digress from the conversation. talking to her about important thing has always been hard, but it has never bothered me this much. now, with me trying to make a huge decision that can completely change my life, I need her in this with me. I need to be able to talk to her about things, especially this past two months. I really wish she’d get rid of all the preconceptions she has and listen to what I’m saying. the name of the school isn’t everything. sometimes, there are schools that aren’t really famous but a major within the school is. and I know that the school might not be as hard to be admitted as other schools, but the school actually is the closest way I can take to my dream. it may be hard to understand now, but I hope she can understand this soon. like real soon. like in the next few weeks.

I seriously need a break from all of this. like a day that I don’t have to do anything. and just stay on my bed to watch TV shows all day. that kind of break. I don’t know how that is going to help me but I need to relax. I could go swimming but it would be too cold. not when im in the water but afterwards when im walking home from the pool and that’s gonna make me feel bad about swimming in the first place because I dislike the cold.

and im jealous of my dad for being back in Taiwan. and playing rugby with the people I used to play with. im only now realizing this but rugby has helped me quite a lot, what with running helping me release my stress. even though I hated going to rugby at first because I have poor hand-eye-feet coordination and I’m a slow runner and all the big guys were all… well, BIG. and because my dad got serious about it each time we played and I didn’t really want to play so seriously. but then I realized what a great sport it was and I couldn’t wait to go every weekend and I was disheartened when there was no rugby and the iasas season was so tough for me because I didn’t get to play, since I couldn’t get hurt. and I really wanted to play, back in Japan. but then I went to watch the practice and…. well, it didn’t look like the girls were having fun. and I was very disappointed by that, because I thought rugby was supposed to be fun.

a lot has happened and changed in the past two and a half years that I’ve been back in japan. my friends have definitely changed. out of the numerous people I was close to in sophomore year, I’m only close with a few of them. the way I think and the way I talk is different. i’ve befriended people who actually are willing to go through my mood swings and constant hyperventilation to really know me. all things added together, I have great friends who have saved me from a lot of things. I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past that I’m not proud of and I know I am solely responsible for the mistakes I made. my friends have only saved me from me trying to get away from my mistakes. I am indebted to my friends for the life I am living now.

okay, I am finished. I am satisfied with what I’ve written. I don’t have to spend sleepless nights trying to figure out where my insane thoughts are going to take me.