so i don't really know what i'm trying to say but it's one of those days when i feel like rambling about the things that's been circulating in my head.

for whatever it's worth, i truly think it's better if we don't see each other again.

every time we hang out, there's that undeniable spark between us

and it's most certainly not just me that believes in the spark, 

in fact, i didn't believe in it until people around us told me 

that they can feel the spark and that we two are the only ones denying of it.

and with each time that we see each other

i find myself more attracted to you

because the things i like about you becomes the most prominent when we are together

and my feelings for you kind of fade away as we spend time apart.

of course, this is all based on the simple fact that i like you to start with.

it's just that the feeling grows stronger as we spend time together

and lessens when i don't see you.

or it's more like every time we hang out, 

i'm reminded of how much i like you

and i don't want to leave japan whilst still kind of feeling something towards you

because then it'll become one of my regrets that i don't necessarily want to face.

there is, of course, the option of actually being honest 

and telling you how i feel

but then every time i think about it,

i'm reminded of the very fact that the next time i see you might be the last.

and obviously, i don't want our last get-together to be awkward

because that ruins the whole point of getting together.

i doubt we'll meet up when im back in japan, 

so in truth, whenever i see you next really might be the last time.

and because neither the date of my departure 

nor how often we are going to get together isn't determined yet,

we really aren't sure when our last time is gonna be

which is why i can't be careless.

i honestly wish i had known that we were going to be this close as friends

had i know of that, i wouldn't have allowed myself to have feelings for you

we would've just been friends, 

and everything would've worked out fine.

or that we had become friends gradually, 

like over the course of few months, rather than few weeks

because that way, my feelings for you wouldn't have shot upwards like this

i dont know, maybe i'm overthinking things.

but i know that the easiest way out for both of us

is that we don't see each other again until i leave

although that sounds highly unlikely if the five of us are going to get together...

okay, i lost my train of thoughs there

so im done.