Dear my best friend.

I'm sorry i wasn't there for you when it actually counted. I'm sorry i didn't make the effort to connect. I'm sorry i was so caught up in my own life.

Things were bad back in Taiwan and i knew it, because i was right next to you for at least 3 years. You confided in me and I tried to help you as much as I could. And I thought when we got together you found your good place. Even after we broke up, we stayed best friends and you stayed in your good place. 

We talked for a while after we both moved out of taiwan, and you said you were enjoying your new life. It must've been true, because you really did look happy in your photos. 

So i assumed you were okay. I assumed you were past the bad phase. 

But i probably shouldnt have made assumptions. 

When I asked you about college, you were so happy you got to choose what you wanted. I felt like i didn't have to worry about you anymore. 

Then today you told me things were bad. You said it like out of nowhere. It surprised me. And yet i guess i knew things might turn out this way. 

Things were bad in taiwan. But not as bad as this. The thought of really losing you, it... It made me scared.

I have many regrets. Like not studying inhigh  school. But nothing can compare to this one. Had i made an effort to keep in touch with you, to let you know that I'm always here for you no matter the distance, maybe you wouldn't have relapsed. Maybe you'll still be at school pursuing your dream. 

I'm really sorry. Now that we're in the same country, I'm going to make the effort. I felt like I lost you once and I'm not going through that again. I love you. 

Dream.

This is going to be one of the weirdest posts on my blog but i have to write this down somewhere. 

So I had this dream. I was at a... I dont mnow where i was, but it seemed like an apartment. And I was with my parents. 

A cab arrived in front of the apartment and a family of four got out. We webt to greet them and it looked like we were gonna live together in the apartment. And I know the family. Andrew and James look like they did back in 2008 when I last saw them, their parents like back in 2007. 

The next thing I know, I'm with James in a room. A bedroom, i think. And he's telling me stories and crying his eyes out. I hold him tightly and he calms down. 

Then the family is leaving. Now I'm crying. Like I haven't cried that much in so long. I can't seem to stop my tears. I go back to the bedroom to find Andrew and James, waiting for me. James gives me one last hug, whispers 'i love you kanako' and leaves, tears streaming down his face. 

Andrew, with whom I have a past with, looks at me and it's just like we're back in 7th grade again. He asks me if I'm okay. Like he always used to. I tell him I'm fine, that I'm more worried about his little brother. He promises me he'll take care of James. He gives me a hug too, and leaves. 

I follow them to the door. I'm still crying. I see them get into a cab, their parents already inside. I watch them from the steps to my apartment, and just as the cab pulls out, James looks at me and mouthes, 'Happy Thanksgiving.' 

i woke up with tears in my eyes. 

And that was the end of my dream. It was so weird. I havent seen them since they moved, which was straight after grade 8. So like 5 years ago. I havent even talked to them. I dont see them on FB, nor twitter and we havent contacted each other in 5 years. And yet they appear in my dream and it's so real, i couldnt tell the difference between my dream and the reality. 

I don't know what it was. But it was really weird.