what if.

the endless what-ifs are suffocating me.

i know its useless to think of all the what ifs and what could've been, would've been, but i can't help it.

it doesn't make me feel good or anything

it actually takes me to a dark place when i think of the things that could've been.

but it still calms me down to know that there were other possibilities.

you know, like i was given a choice

and i choose the wrong one but it was my choice so theres no use mourning over it type of thing?

its kind of a relief. to know that things are going like this because i choose it.

but even then, even with knowing that i could've done things differently, 

it still hurts to look back on things.

sometimes, a song i hear in the stores, words i hear people say randomly, or the scent that's still remaining that i get a whiff of,

those things remind me of the good and the bad.

its at times like this, that they're the worst.

i play our conversations back in my head, letting your words sink deep into my brains.

im afraid of forgetting your words, the feel of your hand on the small of my back. 

to be precise, im afraid of forgetting that you ever existed in my life.