reality.

i feel my lips quivering. my eyes water up and i cant seem to find my voice.
i know i need to regroup the thoughts in my head, but it doesnt seem to be functioning.
my words jumble up and i know that the sound escaping from my mouth isnt gonna be pretty.
i bite my lips harder, trying not to let my emotions show.
i force a smile and watch you walk away satisfied with the pain you've caused me.

a few hrs later:
im at home. on my bed. or on my beanbag cushion. with my music cranked up to the max. with the lights shut off, curtains drawn.
and i replay our conversation in my head.
i feel the tears coming. i realize, its friday. friday night, alone at home. no school tomorrow, no work, no plans.
i let the tears fall slowly down my cheek. once it starts, it doesnt stop. i hear my phone ring. i dont pick up. it stops, leaving me to my own thoughs once again.

absolute stillness fills the room.

another few hrs later:
i wake up. i didnt realize i had fallen asleep. my music is still playing.
i go to the bathroom, and find my reflection in the mirror. its not a pretty sight. my eyes are puffy, my cheeks are bloated and my lips are swollen.

i turn on the faucet, hot water streaming down the instatnt i turn it on. i let my bathtub fill with hot water, take my clothes off and slowly ease myself into the bathtub.
i sit there for the next half an hour, deeply submerged in the water.

i spend the weekend like this. i dont know how to stop my tears from falling.

monday morning at school:
i can feel your eyes on me, trying to decipher whether you've hurt me enough by seeing me. i dont let it show, and you spent the next 5 days putting me through absolute hell, only to get the same result next week.

and the cycle never ends.