choice.

i'm one step closer to my dream. there is no denying of that fact. and it's wonderful. this is something i've been wanting to do since grade 7. i've had my mind set on my future career since i was 14. and now i actually have the opportunity to make my dream come true. i had initially thought that was all i wanted, because once i was given the chance, all i had to do was take it and follow whatever path that lies ahead of the choice i make. 

looking back to two years ago, when things were at the lowest point for me, i couldn't wait to leave this country. i wanted to go somewhere far from here, a place where conformity wasn't the key to survival, a place in which uniqueness was the most valued characteristic in a person. i wanted to escape being forced to be the same as everyone else. almost every day, i felt like i was suffocating from the pressure of the society. two years ago, all i wanted was to be free. 

i am given the opportunity to be free now. and i should be jumping at the opportunity. so why am i sitting here, in my room, hesitating to take the chance? i had known it wasn't going to be easy, and i had known that the people who supported me through all of this, are the real friends i can count on. what i hadn't expected was the amount of support and comfort they provided, the warmth that engulfs me whenever i'm in their company. the feeling of guilt, disappointment and loneliness i get whenever they talk about their future, the one im not physically going to be involved in, is unbearable. 

i know i'm given a choice to do what i've been wanting to do for a long time. and i know i may never get another chance like this. and i know i won't waste this perfect opportunity. two years ago, i would've confidently said i was ready to leave this place as soon as possible. now, i'm just not so sure. and i can say this, because i know that no matter how much time, energy and thought i put into this, i know that, at the end of the day, my final decision is going to be what it's always been. but for now, please allow me to contemplate this matter. there's so much more to this than simply following my dream. there's so much more i need to do here, all the things i have been too much of a coward to do, and i don't even know if i'm allowed to leave here without tying up the numerous loose-ends that i need to fix. it's all of that, not to mention, the fact that this is also giving up what i've been building here, what i have built already and all of that seems too good to let go just yet.