hypocrite.

why am i such a hypocrite.
it's like i tell someone to be courageous and tell people how they feel, when in fact, i am way too scared to do that myself.
it's not that i'm inconsiderate. i give advice to people, and i do so with careful thinking. i don't just blurt out random stuff like some people do when asked for some advice on certain things. so if i'm actually giving the matter lots and lots of deep thought and considering the different outcomes before actually suggesting to somebody that they should take certain actions, that just puts me to be a hypocrite.
or maybe i'm not as courageous and bold and outgoing and brave as everyone thinks i am.

and in relation to that, i really do think i need to be brave.
now that i've been officially admitted at a school abroad, i'm finally beginning to feel like there really is a time limit for me. obviously, i've only got half a year in this country. and three months left in high school. i might not even be in osaka after april, which means i've literally only got four months left. that's not enough time. even if i do what i want to do today, that only gives us six months at the longest. and three, at the shortest. so am i wrong to think that maybe it's better if we keep things the way it is now? what good would it do, to be honest and risk getting hurt, when if i step down quietly now, we can all graduate happily the way we are? what is the point in being honest, if i know there is the risk of ruining everything?

you can call me a chicken, a hypocrite, a disappointment, you can call me whatever you want. because no matter what anyone says, i'm not going to ruin what we have right now. this is actually one of the only times i've felt truly comfortable with the company i have, and i know i would be devastated if i ruin this perfect moment.