Expectations.

My mum said to me today,

"Maybe you're overly proud of the fact that you're going to BU. Maybe you think you're so special to be going abroad. Maybe you're way over your head."

I was aghast. I honestly have never thought I was better than anybody. I don't even think I'm special for going abroad, because all my friends from Taiwan are going to the States, and that's what's "normal" there. Sure, almost all the people I know from DIHS now go to Doshisha, and I personally think that's a great thing, because Doshisha just so happen to be one of the best universities in the Kansai region.  People tell me they are proud of me. But since the day I decided apply for schools in the States, I've never been proud of myself. Not even the day I got accepted. Because let's be honest, it wasn't my first choice school. I am completely satisfied with where I am now and where I will be for the next four years, but I would be lying if I said I'm proud of how far I've come. 

I've never been much of a success in any part of my life. There were always people who did better than I did. And sometime in the past few years, my parents, and those around me, begun to understood that sad fact. They stopped expecting things from me, and I was pretty comfortable with that. The "not-being-expected-anything" phase. 

And then, as soon as people figured out I was going to the States for university, they all begun to expect so much from me. Like they're excited about my future and how I've got a bright future ahead of me and how they wish they'd had the chance to study abroad and how it's so great that I got into Boston University from a Japanese high school. 

Like c'mon. It's not like I didn't make an effort. If anything, I worked my ass off to get to where I am now. I went through so many mistakes in the process of applying and registering, and it's not like I did all of this by myself. There were people helping me, probably the best people I've ever had the pleasure of working with, and me going to BU is, if not 100%, mostly thanks to them. 

I've stopped trying to live up to people's expectations, and I've gotten so used to people not expecting anything from me that now, when friends and family tell me how lucky I am and how excited they are for me, all I feel is pressure. Like the pressure of having to be the ideal college student they expect me to be. All I feel when I hear the words "I'm so proud of you, you're going to have such a great time in Boston" and anything related to how much "fun" I'm going to have in Boston, is pressure. Like I "have to" have fun. Like I "have to" be the kind of university students that Japanese people expect. And they get their information and images from American movies. And let's face it, we all know real university life in the US is barely ever like the one we see in the movies. 

I am excited. I can't even tell you how excited I am to be in the States in three weeks and make my way towards the dream I've always had since I was in grade 7. But I've never thought I was better than all the other people who went to Doshisha University. If anything, the fact that they are studying right now for their exams and I'm sitting here not doing anything makes me a bit ashamed of myself. I don't feel proud when people tell me they wish they were me. I understand they are saying they're excited because all they see is the very fact that I'm going to the US for four years, and I can't blame them, for they only know of the life in Japan. But still, it just gets tough sometimes.