HAHAHAHAHA

as if that's possible.

what if.

I’M A SLUT BECAUSE I’LL WEAR SHORTS AND A TANK TOP. 

I’M A BITCH BECAUSE I DON’T LET YOU PUSH ME AROUND. 

I’M A LIAR BECAUSE I WON’T TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

I’M STUPID BECAUSE SOMETIMES I’M WRONG. 

I’M UGLY BECAUSE MY FACE ISN’T PERFECT. 

I’M A WHORE BECAUSE I FALL IN LOVE. 

I’M ANNOYING BECAUSE I’M NOT CHILL ENOUGH. 

I’M A LOSER BECAUSE I’M NOT FRIENDS WITH YOUR GROUP. 

I’M FAKE BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME I’M HAPPY. 

I’M WEIRD BECAUSE I’M NOT LIKE YOU. 

I’M CONTROLLING BECAUSE I GET MAD. 

SOMETIMES I’M CLINGY BECAUSE I LIKE BEING AROUND PEOPLE. 

I’M GREEDY BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE SATISFIED. 

I’M NAIVE BECAUSE I’M YOUNGER THAN YOU. 

I’M CONCEITED BECAUSE I’M PROUD OF WHO I AM. 

I’M RUDE BECAUSE MY MANNERS AREN’T PERFECT. I’M UNAPPRECIATIVE BECAUSE I DON’T PRAISE YOU. DON’T FUCKING TELL ME WHO I AM BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW.

but






except for you.

the truth

its the truth
whether we admit it or not.

the only difference.

"THE BEST THING ABOUT A PICTURE IS THAT IT NEVER CHANGES EVEN WHEN THE PEOPLE IN IT DO."

like i keep telling you.

because i don't know how i'm gonna survive without it.

there are so many things i want to say right now
but i know it wont come out right
it won't come out the way i mean it
you'll misunderstand what im trying to say
and it's all going to be a mess again.
i can just tell.


and i tell you all this
but you still insist you want to know.
so i tell you
because im stupid enough to think that i could trust you to understand me.
and then you leave.
because what i say, and the idea of it,
you couldn't deal with it all.


it happens. 
pretty much everyday.
i tell you what i want.
you tell me what you want.
its the exact opposite.
and we can never compromise.


and its not your fault.
but its not entirely mine either.
i dont know what the problem is.
maybe its me.
or maybe
its you.

dear brian tong, berlin + william cheng, andrew lee, eric lin & ian silverstein!

swimmers next but im gonna put them all in one post :)

briantong! 

IASAS buddy. CHICKEN RICE! your gorgeous house that i wanna live in 'cause it has an elevator. well, technically your uncles house. but STILL. and CHICKEN RICE! and the cheese game. and CHICKEN RICE! and you got sick on the last day of iasas but you recovered pretty quickly :) and and the swedish swim - clinic and afterwards at mos burger. and our retarded photos at mos, where we kept blinking && smiling awkwardly. and then hot dog stand! you guys trying to tie the advertisement thing up and kinda failing at it, and you getting the prizes from the french honour society. and then team bonding. and ATB. and cabbing home. and mantas this weekend! YAY! i love youuuuuuuu! 

berlincheng!

my lovely sister & husbandwife. we somehow managed to get along... despite the fact that we barely ever see each other. okay, when i was in grade 6! we were friends 'cause mioko was still at TAS and we were both close to her. and then she moved, and then grade 7 & 8! we had our awesome band class so the amount of time i saw you increased, a LOT. and then we had our camwhore moments during citi meet and we'd cheer for each other so much, it was insane! you're not coming to mantas this year and i dont get to go to iasas with you, but i am gonna come visit you in taiwan :) so you better let me stay over at your house!  i loooooove you! 

williamcheng!

congrats on the student government position! and im still waiting for your interview, but that's fine, im sure you'll get it to me pretty soon.*hint hint* anywho, you & berlin & nicole are so close! and you're such a caring brother! and you did greeeeeeeeeat at IASAS and and and i just admire you :) i remember when you used to, like never talk to us but i realized that you're actually really cool. and ATB was pretty fun. 'cause that's when you said the famous quote: "I'm not even at the baseball stadium yet!" i love youu! 

andrewlee!

BEST MORNING BUDDY + FAVOURITE SENIOR :) i cant believe you didn't swim in grade 9-11 and you came back in your senior year and totally owned everyone. dude, you swim a 28 for 50 free. and you've only trained for half a year. thats... called, well, not fair! you're going to VMI! a military institute! im gonna miss you so much! you were gonna come to mantas with us but then you have your AP exam or something so you couldnt come :( but thats okay, you're gonna come practice with us sometime soon so i'll get to see you before i leave for japan and before you go off to college. good luck & I love youuuuuuuu!!

ericlin!

YAY ERIC :) okay, we werent close until last year. but we are now :) 'cause of citi meet and IASAS. and citi meet, you were obsessed with people dropping things on your mattress and janice using your conditioner and putting it on brians foot. haha. and me sneaking out of journalism to go hang out with you & tove when you guys have free :) and you came to swim with me & ian on a weekend at the local pool :P im gonna miss youuu :( but im gonna come back to visit so we can chill :) i love youuuuu! 


iansilverstein! 
our weekends are kinda awkward. actually, not just kind of. its downright awkward. and our parents, more like mums, should not be allowed anywhere near each other, because they gossip waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. but i think i should mention that i don't hate you. i dont loveee you like i love tove, but still i love you :) and you have a weird sense of humour, which i find quite interesting. & you not believing about adam & creager. yeah, and you need to be educated more but other than that, you're good :) love youuu! 

dear psychologist.

OKAY i've already done a post about him so just a quick copy & paste from that.

he is:

1. loud

2. annoying

3. loud

4. mean

5. kinda screwed up

but

he is also:

1. amazing

2. a good listener

3. funny

4. a good soccer player

   (nope, let me rephrase that. he's an awesome soccer player)

5. talkative

6. caring

7. fun

8. smart

9. nice

10. lovable.

it all started with grade 7 camp, when we were on the same bus and he sat behind me & jinnie, and we started talking and then during camp things happened and then by the time camp was over, he was all hating on this one person and we became friends. 

basically, hes my psychologist so hes forced to listen to everything i say and hes gotta go through all my shit. and i think he knows the most detailed version of everything i've been through. he doesn't always give the best advice in the world but i feel better when i talk to him and i know we dont hang out much during school, but thats fine. because thats how we are.

im gonna visit you in taiwan next year and im gonna inbox you a lot next year! 

i love you psychologist! 

please?

dear mitch.

grade 6! you & natalie. me & andrew. band. percussion! that song that i taught you how to play so you don't fail that playing quiz. and you jumping off the ramp and breaking your ankle. and you falling when it was raining 'cause your cast was wet and you slipped. 

grade 7! mandaaaaaaaaaarin! god, ms.wu was so weird. she'd whack your table with a meter stick. and she'd give us lectures. pretty much every class. then rugby. and you & addy... and then fi. and you drawing on my mandarin folder during mandarin 'cause you were bored. and you helped me with everything with andrew & I helped you with fi and it was just a crazy year full of relationship shit because we were both stupid and didn't know what to do. and we somehow knew what we should do but we never did it so we needed each other to… well, tell each other what to do and yeah.

grade 8! mandarin again! I loved mandarin with you, it was fun. and and and and and and and and and I don’t really remember what happened in grade 8 anymore, but I know it was all good and you can refer back to your yearbook from grade 8 because I wrote that huge paragraph shit in your yearbook last year because I thought you were leaving and yeah :P

oh and we had a starbucks session with derrick & spring, which basically was kinda awkward but it was all good :)

grade 9! we don't really hang out as much anymore but that's fine. because whenever something happens, you're one of the first people that I go to because I know that you, somehow, understand what im trying to say more than anyone else. and I just remembered, we had a couple of our deep talks this year. like after IASAS XC, on the roof, like on the 4th floor. and about derrick & spring/steph and about you & fi. and I learned new things about you.

oh and I've said this in tove & derricks post as well, but I am officially inviting you to my wedding. because that way, I'll know that even if we don't talk until my wedding, we will meet there and we can go back to being friends. but like, I am gonna visit you in taiwan next year and you can come visit me in japan and I can visit you the year after wherever you're moving to.

I love you. you've always been there for me. even when im a complete mess and nobody wants to stick around because they'll be involved in my messed up shit. and I owe you so many things, its not even funny. and I wanna make it up to you but I have no idea how, so im still working on that. but for now, if you ever need anything, im here for you.  I love you! 

dear terence.

basically, you're that one person, other than peyton, who's been through pretty much everything i've been through, and i apologize for making you go through all that shit that i've been through but yeah. i love your laugh. like the sound. and i love your sense of humour.

i met you. in grade 6. when i was with andrew and he was best friends with peyton & micah who were best friends with you and yeah. but we didn't really hang out until grade 7 and it all started with the fact that we had mandarin together and i was owning everyone in mandarin so you'd just copy my work book and shit. and nothing that important happened in grade 7, 'cause it was mainly like.. mandarin, rugby, mandarin, mandarin, mandarin, rugby, mandarin. and then kasumi. but like i wasnt really involved in that. but then, again, all our inside jokes come from mandarin grade 7, so i guess a lot did happen in grade 7.

and then came grade 8. okay, mandarin again. and it turned out to be a bad thing for you 'cause you are retaking that class this year and you dont know a shit you're doing 'cause i let you copy off mine. haha my bad :P anyways, so grade 8 was mainly kasumi, spring & steph for you. and this is where things started to get complicated and yeah. not gonna go into that. but basicaly, you + kasumi/spring was fine. i just didnt like steph but whatever. and i do think we became waaaaaaay closer in grade 8. which is good, because now i have you to lean on :) and then we had our little starbucks sessions and our little inboxes, which i still have, btw. and they just tell me things about you that i didnt know before and it amazes me, even now, that you went through so much stuff in grade 8. okay, moving on! 

SUMMER 09!!!! student ambassador shit. where kyle hurt me with the door & you had your cool amp and patrick wasnt there so i freaked out and we were stuck with bunch of new students and where you first met tove. OKAY DONE. 

grade 9. where do i start? soo august was normal, just back to school, catching up on what we did over summer and stuff. then... september. okay, dropzone didn't go so well. and you had your problems with steph, which was nothing new, but it still mattered a lot to you. and you tried to fix things but that just didn't work out. and then october, IASAS XC & VBALL day was when you found out things that you didnt need to know about, and then you went all depressed and shit again. then november was when we got together. and then december. we broke up. and im not gonna lie about this, but im not so sure if i made the right choice. but i was too scared to keep on going. and honestly, i do wish we hadnt broken up. i dont even know why i let you go in the first place. and i guess this counts as one of the things i could... go back in time and fix, but thats just simply not possible, so whatever. january! new years. my birthday :) sorry, totally off topic. nothing really happened in january. or no, i went to IASAS and i came back and i thought things were kinda different but it wasnt and you were spending more and more time with you band rathr than us so i wasnt really sure if you were still with us or not. but yeah. and then february. ehh not much either. just weekly swimzone and lunch. nothing in march either. or no, when was the "touche, touchet" thing? and then april, you left to go to the states to look for your new school and you found one :) and then you came back. and you showed me the lyrics to this song, by cancer bats, (HA i remembered what the band was called!) and you told me who you thought of it as. and we just hung out by the middle school science classrooms, like after swimzone today. 

okay, you are, officially invited to my wedding, whenever that is. and you're gonna give a speech, along with tove. and so that ensures that we are friends until i marry. and im gonna come visit you in pennsylvania and you're gonna come visit me in japan.

i love you. you're amazing. thanks for everything. i owe you so much, its insane. i love you. 
and heres a quick quote & i do hope you'll remember this because you've been hurt too many times. 

dear my favourite blonde.

remember when you first came? and i couldnt say your name so i named you after my favourite ice cream? it juts occurred to me that it's been two years now. since we first met. and i think its fair to say that we've been through a lot. and our morning practices. and i'd sometimes ditch, and you'll be left alone with your brother and that PMS. and citi meet 2008 and our little swim meets and IASAS '10 and mantas (in two days). and that'll be the last time i'll swim in a legit swim meet with you and it kind of saddens me but i guess thats life and we have to take it the way we goes, but i do need to talk to you every once in a while so i don't feel left alone and we'll keep in touch. and im gonna come visit you in sweden and you're gonna come visit me in Japan and we'll all be good and im inviting you to my wedding. i dont care what happens between us between now and my wedding, but im inviting you because you're gonna give a speech at my wedding. i've already decided that. i dont know what im gonna do without you. i mean, who am i gonna complain to, about swimming and parents and life in general? so basically, the main idea of this post is that you are my bestest friend and i trust you with everything and we are gonna be friends forever, which is i've already decided that you're giving a speech at my wedding. 

and i still need to read your set of notes that you wrote for me. but i cant open it until the last day of school, which is in a month and a half. 


an also
thanks for everything, from all that stupid fun times i've had with you to the times when i needed you and i'd just bitch at you about random things and you'd just sit there and listen and then make a joke about it and make me laugh and everything. 


i love you babe ♥ and i can't believe i only have a months and a half left with you :( 

1. smoked. 
2. consumed alcohol. 
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex. 
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex. 
5. kissed someone of the same sex. 
6. had sex. 
7. had someone in your room other than family. 
8. watched porn. 
9. bought porn. 
10. tried drugs. total:  6

1. taken painkillers. 
2. taken someone else’s prescription medicine. 
3. lied to your parents. 
4. lied to a friend. 
5. snuck out of the house. 
6. done something illegal. 
7. felt hurt. 
8. hurt someone. 
9. wished someone to die. 
10. seen someone die.

total so far:  16

1. missed curfew. 
2. stayed out all night. 
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself. 
4. been to a therapist. 
5. been to rehab 
6. dyed your hair. 
7. received a ticket. 
8. been in an accident. 
9. been to a club. 
10. been to a bar total so far: 19

1. been to a wild party. 
2. been to a mardi gras parade. 
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night. 
4. had a spring break in florida. 
5. sniffed anything 
6. wore black nail polish 
7. wore arm bands. 
8. wore t-shirts with band names. 
9. listened to rap. 
10. owned a 50 cent cd. total so far: 23

1. dressed gothic. 
2. dressed girly. 
3. dressed punk. 
4. dressed grunge. 
5. stole something. 
6. been too drunk to remember anything. 
7. blacked out. 
8. fainted. 
9. had a crush on a neighbor. total so far:  25

1. had a crush on a friend. 
2. been to a concert. 
3. dry-humped someone. 
4. been called a slut. 
5. called someone a slut. 
6. installed speakers in your car. 
7. broken a mirror. 
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex’s house 
9. brushed your teeth with someone else’s toothbrush. total so far: 31

1. consider/considered ludacris your favorite rapper. 
2. seen an r-rated movie in theater. 
3. cruised the mall. 
4. skipped school. 
5. had surgery. 
6. had an injury. 
7. gone to court. 
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping. 
9. caught something on fire. 
10. lied about your age. total so far:  35

1. owned/rented an apartment/house. 
2. broke the law in the police’s presence. 
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf 
4. got in trouble with the police. 
5. talked to a stranger. 
6. hugged a stranger. 
7. kissed a stranger. 
8. rode in the car with a stranger. 
9. been harassed. 
10.been verbally harassed. total so far:  38

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online. 
2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight. 
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight. 
4. watched tv for 5 hours straight. 
5. been to a fair. 
6. been called a bad influence. 
7. drank and driven. 
8. prank-called someone. 
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex. 
10. cheated on a test. total so far:  45

grand total: 45 out of 90.

not so bad. 

what it truly means.

everythings perfect and everythings fucked.
 my thoughts are suffocating me.


but nothing stays the same
and everything changes 

and i know it

its just that i cant handle that many things at once.
i have my own little crisis 
pretty much all the time
and i cant handle your shit anymore. 

and i know i say im fine all the time

but you know im not.

and you also know how to make it better.

but you never do it.

because we've been through this before

and you dont wanna deal with it anymore

because im that complicated and messed up.


im sorry i cant be who you want me to be. 

.

you may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved you before, she may love again. but if she loves you now, what else matters? she's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. she may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. so don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze her and don't expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.

Sometimes if you're lucky, someone comes into your life who'll take up a place in your heart that no one else can fill, someone who's tighter than a twin, more with you than your own shadow, who gets deeper under your skin than your own blood and bones.

and that person, is you. 

i try to give you the best of me that i do know, but it's really hard. 
i try to be there for you, but i get really scared. 
i try not to yell back at you just to not lose my temper, but i've lost that strength.
i have a lot of things i should tell you, but i'll never know what to say. 
i want a lot, as you know, but i'm not sure what exactly it is i want.
i say some things that don't come out the way they are in my head and that never ends up right, i'm sorry. 
i need to chose my words more wisely and i need to stop speaking before i think. 
i'm sorry i'm a mess, i really am. 

dangerous kiss

i miss you
that's all.

i have approx 80 days left in taiwan.

so people ask me if theres anything wrong with me lately.

theres nothing wrong with me. but everyone else's having their problem which im kinda trying to juggle it all at the same time. which can be frustrating sometimes. but other than that, my life is fairly simple right now. no. let me rephrase that. my life is not that much of a mess right now. I mean, my life would NEVER be anywhere close to being simple. I KNOW THAT MUCH :( it bothers me. that I cant have a quiet day.

so basically, I miss the times when all I had to do was be myself and everything would be okay, because I didn’t give a shit as to what other people thought. and when I knew, exactly who and who not to trust. but now, its like, theres so many backstabbing and shit going on AROUND ME, and im there to WITNESS all that shit, and that just confuses me more. because I know both sides of the story, but am not really sure which side im suppose to believe. so theres a little bit of confusion in my life everyday, and a bit of shit with others that doesn’t concern me directly but does because im overprotective of my friends. which can suck like shit at times like this, because you'll have to juggle a shitload of stuff and you get really confused, and you know you're gonna explode anytime, but you try not to, and then yeah. you explode in the end, and that doesn’t end up being so good.

whats the point in trying to help someone if you're gonna end up getting hurt?