免疫

もう関わりないから免疫的なんできてるかなぁとかって思っててんけど、そんなん全然違くて実はこっちの方が辛くて…

吹っ切るつもりで自分から関わり切ったのにやっぱり好きって気持ちは変わらなくて
でもそれを気にするような人じゃないのも、友達の意見のほうが大切やと思ってるのも分かってるから、声なんかかけられへんくて

いろんな人に「気持ち伝えたほうがいいよ」とか言ってるけど、それをちゃんと出来てないのは自分やねん。

guitar.

ive stopped playing the guitar. or its more like i cant play it anymore.
its traumatizing. just thinking about playing the guitar.... it starts the tears.
i cant bare to play it, or even touch it.
bad memories. and that song he played on the guitar. cant listen to that anymore either. i was deff okay with it before, but once junior year started, it became a complete different story.

:(

home.

really, i dont have anything against you. its just that i think we need to stop being around each other cause we aren't gonna gain anything from that. except for the icy glares your friends give me and all the teasing you get from them when they see you with us.
you're a good person. you've got your way of thinking and i respect you for that, and i enjoy talking to you, but its for your own good.

reality.

i feel my lips quivering. my eyes water up and i cant seem to find my voice.
i know i need to regroup the thoughts in my head, but it doesnt seem to be functioning.
my words jumble up and i know that the sound escaping from my mouth isnt gonna be pretty.
i bite my lips harder, trying not to let my emotions show.
i force a smile and watch you walk away satisfied with the pain you've caused me.

a few hrs later:
im at home. on my bed. or on my beanbag cushion. with my music cranked up to the max. with the lights shut off, curtains drawn.
and i replay our conversation in my head.
i feel the tears coming. i realize, its friday. friday night, alone at home. no school tomorrow, no work, no plans.
i let the tears fall slowly down my cheek. once it starts, it doesnt stop. i hear my phone ring. i dont pick up. it stops, leaving me to my own thoughs once again.

absolute stillness fills the room.

another few hrs later:
i wake up. i didnt realize i had fallen asleep. my music is still playing.
i go to the bathroom, and find my reflection in the mirror. its not a pretty sight. my eyes are puffy, my cheeks are bloated and my lips are swollen.

i turn on the faucet, hot water streaming down the instatnt i turn it on. i let my bathtub fill with hot water, take my clothes off and slowly ease myself into the bathtub.
i sit there for the next half an hour, deeply submerged in the water.

i spend the weekend like this. i dont know how to stop my tears from falling.

monday morning at school:
i can feel your eyes on me, trying to decipher whether you've hurt me enough by seeing me. i dont let it show, and you spent the next 5 days putting me through absolute hell, only to get the same result next week.

and the cycle never ends.

alone

i realized that i like being alone. its fun to interact with ppl and have fun with them but i do need my own quiet time.
some people find it surprising that i would want to be alone. but they dont know me.
people that know me well understand that sometimes it gets kinda tiring to be faking everything. i dont really mind it, honestly, but yeah, it does get tiring and frustrating and i just need my space to kinda calm down and step back for a second.
like 5 minutes is all i need to bring myself together. but that 5 minutes is whats important to me. does that even make sense?

punch.

gahhh
things just arent working anymore. i feel like im breaking into a million pieces. and i wanna punch ppl in the face. that's my simple need right now.

i just dont understand why people cant just leave others alone. and like why they are okay with bursting into ppls personal space uninvitedly. that's so rude.

two more years approx to go.
cant wait to get out of here.

hard to say i love you.

やっぱりもう限界かな。
毎日すれ違うのに、毎日目が合うのに。
毎日お互いの存在を確認してるのに言葉をかわさへん。
そーゆーのって逆にめちゃくちゃ疲れるねんけど。
お互いが諦めたらええねんから、それでええやん。
なんでこんなに引きずるん？
引きずってもいいことなんかないで。
それに逆に期待しちゃうよね。
でももう一方的に期待して、失望するのイヤやねん。

でもこれって自分勝手なんかな？
ワガママ言ってるコトになるんかな？

どうしたらええんやろ。

ugh.

I hate myself for not being able to deny it completely.
seeing him still makes my day, but its not like it used to be like last year.
this just isn't working anymore.

the ricecookers.

i'm one step behind every step you take
each time I reach, it just seems to fade away
but with every speck of light, I fight the breaking need to try
day will break the night and light will find my way.

inspiration.

a lot of things inspire me. lately, I've been inspired by a string of people at my school. it's just that the way they see things and thinks of things really amazes me.

inseparable.

yesterday, i was told that the two people who seemed inseparable is no longer talking to each other. he seemed devastated whereas she didn't look like she regret anything. and i knie that there's an end to pretty much everything, but the timing of it all is just absurd. it's surprising that bad things happen all at once.

but maybe it's better that way. instead of trying to get over one thing at a time, you can get over the while incident all at once. or at least, that's what I think.

can i just...

idk what follows that sentence.
but im pretty pleased with myself, i didnt flinch when i saw him. it doesn't send butterflies in my stomach anymore, nor do i find myself scared of what he thinks.

computer!

first post in over a month updated from my computer. and this means longer post 'cause its so much easier to type on my computer, rather than an iphone. 


anyways, a couple of things really surprised me over the course of this past two weeks.
i didnt think a person can change this much over a vacation. okay, i may not know everything that had happened but it still is a surprise. she says that it doesn't have anything to do with anyone, it was just that she changed the way she saw how the world went.


i was also surprised to find out that he had finally quit. i do think it kinda is a waste to throw away everything he had worked for, but it's alright, he'll find something else he wants to do. 


and some of my friends were involved in a situation where it was really hard to get out of. and i hate the fact that theres not much anyone can do for them, including me :( 


so that was like the start of my junior year. i see lots of room for improvement, so im definitely counting on it.

Junior Year!

first day of junior year.
I was actually pretty excited to find out whos class I'm gonna be in and who my homer
teacher is :)

it turned out i was with a bunch of people who were all nice and fun to be around :) so that's a plus right there. and I wasn't in the same class with people I don't really get along with, so that's another plus :))

i have a feeling that junior year's gonna be hectic with going to Okinawa during the spring break and whatnot but I hope to make the most of it :D


on a separate note:
I'm excited for tmrw, for my first real job/working day :)

April.

I went to the movies with my cousin today :)
it was a love comedy flick, and we were both expecting lots of laughter, but we were crying when the movie ended :O
it was a cute movie :))


anyways, school starts this Friday!
im excited to find out whos class I'm gonna be in, and who my teachers are :)
of course, I can't wait for Saturday :)))

the first.

they say there's a first time for everything, for everyone.
and it's true.

I had my first on Saturday.
and it was surprisingly exciting.
I didn't think I'd enjoy it this much.
and it's gonna happen pretty much every Saturday, which gives me something to look forward to during the week.
we have time to take a break, and we also have the time to watch over others.

hope it gets better as days go on :)

April Fools.

Happy April Fools everyone!

yeah, that makes me sound like im enjoying this
but no.

it'd be so much better if i was in taiwan
and with people who have a good sense of humor.

hence my fb status.

i dont know what's wrong
it just is.
its one of those days.

freedom.

freedom by 高橋歩

ねぇ、なんでも出来るとしたら何したい？
ドラゴンボール７つ揃ったとしたら、何を叶える？

やりたいことを、「自分が出来そうなことリスト」の中から選んでたらそりゃワクワクしないよ。

夢があろうとなかろうと楽しく生きてる奴が最強。

人生は楽しむためにある

必要なのは勇気じゃなくて覚悟。決めてしまえばすべては動き始める。

夢は逃げない。逃げるのはいつも自分だ。

「大好き！」「サイコー！」
それほど信じられるサインはない。

俺たちは無力だ。
だけど、無敵だ。

すべてを失うことですべては手に入る。

愛されたいと願うばかりで愛することを忘れていないか？

自分の心の声に正直に。

経験だけが真実だ。

自分の人生だろ。自分の感覚を信じずに、いったい何を信じるんだ？

この胸のときめきがきたってことはもうそれだけでＯＫなんだよ。

BELIEVE YOUR トリハダ
トリハダは嘘をつかない。

何かを選ぶということは、何かを捨てるということ。
誰かを愛するということは、誰かを愛さないということ。

答えは、教えてもらうものではなく、思い出すもの。
すべての答えは、すでに、自分の中にある。

未来のために今を耐えるのではなく、未来のために今を楽しく生きるのだ。

ぐちゃぐちゃ言うな。やれば、わかる。

LOVE ガムシャラ

方角を失った旅ほど、ワクワクするものはない。
方角を失った日常ほど、退屈なものはない。

LOVE or FREE じゃない。
LOVE and FREE なんだ。

他人のルールは俺を縛るが、自分のルールは俺を解放する。
自分のルールを決めれば、決して迷わない。

自分は、どうしたいか。
本当は知ってるだろう？

本当に大切な事は、人に相談しないほうがいい。

たった一度の有限な人生だ。やりたくないこと、やってる暇はない。

やって、やって、結果が出るまでやり抜くのみ。自信をつける方法はそれしかないでしょ。

何事にもビビらない奴なんかいない。ビビってもやるかビビってやめちゃうか。ただそれだけの違いだ。

そんなに嫌なら、やめればいいじゃん。やりたくないことを続けるのが、1番の逃げだと思う。

ポジティブでもネガティブでもなくリアルに。

本当に大切なもの以外、すべて捨ててしまえばいいのに。

可能性が、ゼロじゃないんだたったらやってみるべき。

要はどうしたいの？はっきり言ってよ。

やりたいことが見つからないんじゃない。決めることにビビってるだけだろ。

行動に理由なんていらない。理由は後からついてくる。

まずは根拠のない自信で突っ走れ！

成功するまでやれば必ず成功する。

いっぱい失敗したっていい。いくら苦しくても逃げ出すことなく、最後に圧勝すればいい。

行動の伴わない精神論は害だ。

行動に理由なんていらない。やりたいからやる。それだけで充分でしょ。

信じて続けろ。ゴールはいきなり現れる。

愛する人と、自由な人生を。

細かい人生設計なんていらない。
1番大切なものをしっかり抱きしめながら、ただ、やりたいことを必死でやり続けることだ。
そうすれば、人生なんて、自然にうまく設計されていくから。