Tokyo 7s!

great weekend, rugby, chips, drinks, family, friends.

jumbled thoughts.

i have a feeling our relationship is quite complicated.
we're not just acquaintances anymore, that much, i know.
but we're not exactly best friends.
i know who your best friends are, and you know who mine supposedly are.
and yet i find myself opening up to you,
probably more than i do to my best friend.
and you've admitted you don't talk to other people like you do with me.
the content, the depth, of what we talk about exceeds what we talk to other people about.
and i can't deny the fact that i'm afraid of your betrayal
because you apparently have betrayed a friend before
and so have i, so i guess the feeling is mutual.

anyways, i can't deny the fact that i feel safe talking to you
and i like how we talk seriously for a while
and then somewhere along our talk, the content changes
and we begin talking about random stuff
and that's okay with me because its fun.
and i can feel myself calming down once i talk to you
doesn't matter if we talk about whatever it is that's bothering me
or just about what happened at school
or just things in general, i can just... calm down.

i just don't know what im gonna do once i leave
or when you begin school and become all busy
and shit. i can feel myself losing it.

see, this is the problem with trusting someone.
or trusting one person with all my secrets.
but i have a good feeling about this.
or i barely ever find myself trusting someone as much as i do right now
so i feel like this could actually work.

of course, its tough staying up late at night
staring at my phone in my bed trying not to let my parents know that im not asleep
and thinking about things quite deeply whilst fighting with my sleepiness,
but the amount of trust we have in each other overwhelms me
and i do really think its worth all of this.

okay, so we'll just settle at being... each others therapist. or something of that sort.

you get to go to a university without all the complicated application process.
you spent your high school days involved in nothing but club activities.
you had the perfect guy at your bay and you hurt him without so much as a second thought.
you don't realise the fact that you're basically given everything you want.
you don't realise you are spoiled.
and really, stop taking things for granted because
i would give everything to be in your place right now.

最後まで相手を優先して自分がどれだけ傷ついてもいいって思うのはすごい勇気のいる事やと思うし偉いって思うけど、逆に自分が傷つく事によって周りにも心配かけることになるってのもちょっとは考えてほしい。
確かに周りと大切な人やったら後者の方を優先するんもわかる。でも前者は絶対ずっと側にいてくれるし、自分がどんな結論に至ってもそれをサポートしてくれる存在。
ほんまにたまーにで良いから周りの事も考えてください。

so i don't really know what i'm trying to say but it's one of those days when i feel like rambling about the things that's been circulating in my head.

for whatever it's worth, i truly think it's better if we don't see each other again.

every time we hang out, there's that undeniable spark between us

and it's most certainly not just me that believes in the spark, 

in fact, i didn't believe in it until people around us told me 

that they can feel the spark and that we two are the only ones denying of it.

and with each time that we see each other

i find myself more attracted to you

because the things i like about you becomes the most prominent when we are together

and my feelings for you kind of fade away as we spend time apart.

of course, this is all based on the simple fact that i like you to start with.

it's just that the feeling grows stronger as we spend time together

and lessens when i don't see you.

or it's more like every time we hang out, 

i'm reminded of how much i like you

and i don't want to leave japan whilst still kind of feeling something towards you

because then it'll become one of my regrets that i don't necessarily want to face.

there is, of course, the option of actually being honest 

and telling you how i feel

but then every time i think about it,

i'm reminded of the very fact that the next time i see you might be the last.

and obviously, i don't want our last get-together to be awkward

because that ruins the whole point of getting together.

i doubt we'll meet up when im back in japan, 

so in truth, whenever i see you next really might be the last time.

and because neither the date of my departure 

nor how often we are going to get together isn't determined yet,

we really aren't sure when our last time is gonna be

which is why i can't be careless.

i honestly wish i had known that we were going to be this close as friends

had i know of that, i wouldn't have allowed myself to have feelings for you

we would've just been friends, 

and everything would've worked out fine.

or that we had become friends gradually, 

like over the course of few months, rather than few weeks

because that way, my feelings for you wouldn't have shot upwards like this

i dont know, maybe i'm overthinking things.

but i know that the easiest way out for both of us

is that we don't see each other again until i leave

although that sounds highly unlikely if the five of us are going to get together...

okay, i lost my train of thoughs there

so im done.

new wallscreen.

my high school memories.

いろいろ。

今日はっていうかこの２時間でいろいろありまして。
いつ来るかわからん連絡をもうかれこれ４ヶ月ほど待っててんな。
そしたら何か知らんけどさっき何件かいっぺんに来て。
予想通りの内容やったから一件ずつ来てくれたらそんなに凹まへん予定やってんけど
まぁいっぺんに来るからダメージ大きくてー
しかもまだ来てない残りの連絡の内容も今回のでなんとなく予想できたから
これは勝手にやねんけど余計にちょっとおちこんで
そもそも自信なかったし「ついでに・・・」って言ってたもんやから
特に気にするはずじゃなかってんけど。
でも多分心のどっかで「もしかしたら」っていうのがあったんやろなー。
今思えばw
まぁ周りにも持ち上げられてたしな。謎に。
「あんだけ時間さいてんから大丈夫やって。」
「佳奈子なら大丈夫。」
周りを信頼してないわけじゃないねん。
ってかむしろこの件に関してはあの人たち以上信頼してる人はおらんわけで。
そんな二人の言葉を簡単に信じちゃってんなー。
でも彼らが言ってくれた励ましの言葉とそれに伴う自信が根拠のないものやったわけで。
今思えば佳奈なら大丈夫ってどんなんやねん。って感じやわ。笑）
まぁ佳奈も根拠のない自信ほど信用ならんものはないって
ついこないだ学んだばっかりやのに忘れてたっていうか
自分が学んだ事よりも信頼をとったんや。多分。
はい。誤算でした。身をもって学んだ事を忘れた自分がアホでした。
んでそのせいで余計に傷つくっていう。もうほんまなんなんw


でも今は大丈夫
もう期待もしてないし変な自信も持ってない
っていうかもう割り切って今あるぶんだけで満足することにした
今あるだけでもちゃんと選べる権利があるんやし
そもそも選べるっていうこと自体すごい恵まれてることなわけで
これ以上を望んだら今あるんも失いそうで。
そんな事になったらこの１年いろんなものを犠牲にしてやってきた事が
全部無駄になるわけで。それはもちろん避けたい。
プラス迷いながらも何人かに打ち明けたら
みんな同情するんじゃなくてまだあるやーんみたいな事言ってくれて。
もはや一人に至っては「あーどんまい。ってかな、」って
どんまいってだけ言って全く違う話しはじめて笑）
他の人が聞いたら無関心とか自己中とか思うかもしれんけど
今の佳奈にとってはそれが一番助かってw
ほんまに関係のない話をしてるうちに
自分でもびっくりするくらい楽になっていって
なんかほんまにもうふっきれた。
もう大丈夫

よし終わり。
もう大丈夫

my loves.

ももこ＆りこぴー＠卒パ

２次会

ももこ＆りこぴー＠お泊まり

卒業ライブ

アイススケート

graduation and everything else after.

3/13 graduation.

officially graduated from high school. i don't mean to be repetitive, but i honestly did not think i would enjoy my japanese high school life this much. the graduation ceremony itself represented us as a whole, the way it was carried out. no unnecessary formality, no tears, just smiles and laughter all around. 

the after-party was joyful, more like a lets-get-together-and-celebrate-our-graduation, instead of crying and mourning for our departures. 

3/13-14 sleepover.

it went the way it usually does, way too excited to sleep so ended up talking the whole night. i was, once again, reminded of how much i love the friends i have, although i couldn't shake the feeling that something was a bit off. doesn't change the fact that i still love them though.

3/15 graduation live.

got together early, had lunch in kyoto and then off to the live house. lunch & walking around kyoto was relaxing, chilled and totally laid back. meeting everyone at the live for one last time, shed a few tears towards the end but the support and show of affection i received from my friends made the goodbyes more bearable.

3/16 work.

last day at senri intl saturday school. loved my kids, the teachers, and my fellow guides. it's been a great  year, working in the pool for most of it and then as a guide for J10. definitely going to miss going to saturday school, and most certainly hoping to work for JFK.

3/17 ice skating.

left the house to go ice skating, ended up doing that and also chillin' on the lawn. great weather, great company, overall enjoyable day. noticed how laid back and open and vulnerable i was around the four of them, and was a bit scared of what might happen when i leave them but decided they wouldnt. i like to think our feelings are mutual.