leaving.

leaving Japan early tomorrow morning. 

Over the past 3 years, I can say without a doubt, that there were both good memories and bad ones. and the bad ones really were bad, like things I'd really rather not remember. 

Some bad memories were turned into not-so-bad ones, for the people in them changed as well as myself, but bad memories were bad. 

And then there were the good memories. Like the ones I can never forget. All the fun times with friends and family. And I am thankful to everyone who made my life complete. 

but most importantly, I am thankful for Japan, and how it's given me rhe opportunity to figure out who I want to become. I met teachers and new friends who inspired me, who taught me that chasing my dream is something I should be proud of. knowing what you want to do makes you very lucky, said a person i worked with. and i'm truly grateful for all the inspiration they've given me; which had not happened if i hadnt moved back to japan.

now, i'm excited for ny new life in boston! 

meh.

last weekend was pretty tough on me...

it was just another reminder that it's always gonna be about her

it doesn't matter how much time we spend talking,

as soon as she walks in the room, all your attention goes towards her.

like other people aren't there at all.

and in a way, she takes advantage of that.

she knows you'll always be there for her,

she knows you'll let her do pretty much whatever she wants.

she knows that even after you fell right on your head, you're still head over heels for her.

but on the other hand, it made me realise 

no matter how hard i try to be there for you

you're always gonna go back to her. 

it's always about her.

you once said it yourself.

you know i won't hurt you like she does.

you know i won't betray you like she did.

you know you'll be much happier with me.

things will be easy. it'll be natural.

but even then, you still choose her. 

i can never win.

i can never be her. 

and i don't even think i want to be like her.

you said there was a special place for me in your heart.

and i don't doubt that. 

but that special place isn't the same place as the one for her.

i guess after realising all of this,

i'm okay with where we're going with this. 

Expectations.

My mum said to me today,

"Maybe you're overly proud of the fact that you're going to BU. Maybe you think you're so special to be going abroad. Maybe you're way over your head."

I was aghast. I honestly have never thought I was better than anybody. I don't even think I'm special for going abroad, because all my friends from Taiwan are going to the States, and that's what's "normal" there. Sure, almost all the people I know from DIHS now go to Doshisha, and I personally think that's a great thing, because Doshisha just so happen to be one of the best universities in the Kansai region.  People tell me they are proud of me. But since the day I decided apply for schools in the States, I've never been proud of myself. Not even the day I got accepted. Because let's be honest, it wasn't my first choice school. I am completely satisfied with where I am now and where I will be for the next four years, but I would be lying if I said I'm proud of how far I've come. 

I've never been much of a success in any part of my life. There were always people who did better than I did. And sometime in the past few years, my parents, and those around me, begun to understood that sad fact. They stopped expecting things from me, and I was pretty comfortable with that. The "not-being-expected-anything" phase. 

And then, as soon as people figured out I was going to the States for university, they all begun to expect so much from me. Like they're excited about my future and how I've got a bright future ahead of me and how they wish they'd had the chance to study abroad and how it's so great that I got into Boston University from a Japanese high school. 

Like c'mon. It's not like I didn't make an effort. If anything, I worked my ass off to get to where I am now. I went through so many mistakes in the process of applying and registering, and it's not like I did all of this by myself. There were people helping me, probably the best people I've ever had the pleasure of working with, and me going to BU is, if not 100%, mostly thanks to them. 

I've stopped trying to live up to people's expectations, and I've gotten so used to people not expecting anything from me that now, when friends and family tell me how lucky I am and how excited they are for me, all I feel is pressure. Like the pressure of having to be the ideal college student they expect me to be. All I feel when I hear the words "I'm so proud of you, you're going to have such a great time in Boston" and anything related to how much "fun" I'm going to have in Boston, is pressure. Like I "have to" have fun. Like I "have to" be the kind of university students that Japanese people expect. And they get their information and images from American movies. And let's face it, we all know real university life in the US is barely ever like the one we see in the movies. 

I am excited. I can't even tell you how excited I am to be in the States in three weeks and make my way towards the dream I've always had since I was in grade 7. But I've never thought I was better than all the other people who went to Doshisha University. If anything, the fact that they are studying right now for their exams and I'm sitting here not doing anything makes me a bit ashamed of myself. I don't feel proud when people tell me they wish they were me. I understand they are saying they're excited because all they see is the very fact that I'm going to the US for four years, and I can't blame them, for they only know of the life in Japan. But still, it just gets tough sometimes.