Dear my best friend.

I'm sorry i wasn't there for you when it actually counted. I'm sorry i didn't make the effort to connect. I'm sorry i was so caught up in my own life.

Things were bad back in Taiwan and i knew it, because i was right next to you for at least 3 years. You confided in me and I tried to help you as much as I could. And I thought when we got together you found your good place. Even after we broke up, we stayed best friends and you stayed in your good place. 

We talked for a while after we both moved out of taiwan, and you said you were enjoying your new life. It must've been true, because you really did look happy in your photos. 

So i assumed you were okay. I assumed you were past the bad phase. 

But i probably shouldnt have made assumptions. 

When I asked you about college, you were so happy you got to choose what you wanted. I felt like i didn't have to worry about you anymore. 

Then today you told me things were bad. You said it like out of nowhere. It surprised me. And yet i guess i knew things might turn out this way. 

Things were bad in taiwan. But not as bad as this. The thought of really losing you, it... It made me scared.

I have many regrets. Like not studying inhigh  school. But nothing can compare to this one. Had i made an effort to keep in touch with you, to let you know that I'm always here for you no matter the distance, maybe you wouldn't have relapsed. Maybe you'll still be at school pursuing your dream. 

I'm really sorry. Now that we're in the same country, I'm going to make the effort. I felt like I lost you once and I'm not going through that again. I love you. 

Dream.

This is going to be one of the weirdest posts on my blog but i have to write this down somewhere. 

So I had this dream. I was at a... I dont mnow where i was, but it seemed like an apartment. And I was with my parents. 

A cab arrived in front of the apartment and a family of four got out. We webt to greet them and it looked like we were gonna live together in the apartment. And I know the family. Andrew and James look like they did back in 2008 when I last saw them, their parents like back in 2007. 

The next thing I know, I'm with James in a room. A bedroom, i think. And he's telling me stories and crying his eyes out. I hold him tightly and he calms down. 

Then the family is leaving. Now I'm crying. Like I haven't cried that much in so long. I can't seem to stop my tears. I go back to the bedroom to find Andrew and James, waiting for me. James gives me one last hug, whispers 'i love you kanako' and leaves, tears streaming down his face. 

Andrew, with whom I have a past with, looks at me and it's just like we're back in 7th grade again. He asks me if I'm okay. Like he always used to. I tell him I'm fine, that I'm more worried about his little brother. He promises me he'll take care of James. He gives me a hug too, and leaves. 

I follow them to the door. I'm still crying. I see them get into a cab, their parents already inside. I watch them from the steps to my apartment, and just as the cab pulls out, James looks at me and mouthes, 'Happy Thanksgiving.' 

i woke up with tears in my eyes. 

And that was the end of my dream. It was so weird. I havent seen them since they moved, which was straight after grade 8. So like 5 years ago. I havent even talked to them. I dont see them on FB, nor twitter and we havent contacted each other in 5 years. And yet they appear in my dream and it's so real, i couldnt tell the difference between my dream and the reality. 

I don't know what it was. But it was really weird.  

leaving.

leaving Japan early tomorrow morning. 

Over the past 3 years, I can say without a doubt, that there were both good memories and bad ones. and the bad ones really were bad, like things I'd really rather not remember. 

Some bad memories were turned into not-so-bad ones, for the people in them changed as well as myself, but bad memories were bad. 

And then there were the good memories. Like the ones I can never forget. All the fun times with friends and family. And I am thankful to everyone who made my life complete. 

but most importantly, I am thankful for Japan, and how it's given me rhe opportunity to figure out who I want to become. I met teachers and new friends who inspired me, who taught me that chasing my dream is something I should be proud of. knowing what you want to do makes you very lucky, said a person i worked with. and i'm truly grateful for all the inspiration they've given me; which had not happened if i hadnt moved back to japan.

now, i'm excited for ny new life in boston! 

meh.

last weekend was pretty tough on me...

it was just another reminder that it's always gonna be about her

it doesn't matter how much time we spend talking,

as soon as she walks in the room, all your attention goes towards her.

like other people aren't there at all.

and in a way, she takes advantage of that.

she knows you'll always be there for her,

she knows you'll let her do pretty much whatever she wants.

she knows that even after you fell right on your head, you're still head over heels for her.

but on the other hand, it made me realise 

no matter how hard i try to be there for you

you're always gonna go back to her. 

it's always about her.

you once said it yourself.

you know i won't hurt you like she does.

you know i won't betray you like she did.

you know you'll be much happier with me.

things will be easy. it'll be natural.

but even then, you still choose her. 

i can never win.

i can never be her. 

and i don't even think i want to be like her.

you said there was a special place for me in your heart.

and i don't doubt that. 

but that special place isn't the same place as the one for her.

i guess after realising all of this,

i'm okay with where we're going with this. 

Expectations.

My mum said to me today,

"Maybe you're overly proud of the fact that you're going to BU. Maybe you think you're so special to be going abroad. Maybe you're way over your head."

I was aghast. I honestly have never thought I was better than anybody. I don't even think I'm special for going abroad, because all my friends from Taiwan are going to the States, and that's what's "normal" there. Sure, almost all the people I know from DIHS now go to Doshisha, and I personally think that's a great thing, because Doshisha just so happen to be one of the best universities in the Kansai region.  People tell me they are proud of me. But since the day I decided apply for schools in the States, I've never been proud of myself. Not even the day I got accepted. Because let's be honest, it wasn't my first choice school. I am completely satisfied with where I am now and where I will be for the next four years, but I would be lying if I said I'm proud of how far I've come. 

I've never been much of a success in any part of my life. There were always people who did better than I did. And sometime in the past few years, my parents, and those around me, begun to understood that sad fact. They stopped expecting things from me, and I was pretty comfortable with that. The "not-being-expected-anything" phase. 

And then, as soon as people figured out I was going to the States for university, they all begun to expect so much from me. Like they're excited about my future and how I've got a bright future ahead of me and how they wish they'd had the chance to study abroad and how it's so great that I got into Boston University from a Japanese high school. 

Like c'mon. It's not like I didn't make an effort. If anything, I worked my ass off to get to where I am now. I went through so many mistakes in the process of applying and registering, and it's not like I did all of this by myself. There were people helping me, probably the best people I've ever had the pleasure of working with, and me going to BU is, if not 100%, mostly thanks to them. 

I've stopped trying to live up to people's expectations, and I've gotten so used to people not expecting anything from me that now, when friends and family tell me how lucky I am and how excited they are for me, all I feel is pressure. Like the pressure of having to be the ideal college student they expect me to be. All I feel when I hear the words "I'm so proud of you, you're going to have such a great time in Boston" and anything related to how much "fun" I'm going to have in Boston, is pressure. Like I "have to" have fun. Like I "have to" be the kind of university students that Japanese people expect. And they get their information and images from American movies. And let's face it, we all know real university life in the US is barely ever like the one we see in the movies. 

I am excited. I can't even tell you how excited I am to be in the States in three weeks and make my way towards the dream I've always had since I was in grade 7. But I've never thought I was better than all the other people who went to Doshisha University. If anything, the fact that they are studying right now for their exams and I'm sitting here not doing anything makes me a bit ashamed of myself. I don't feel proud when people tell me they wish they were me. I understand they are saying they're excited because all they see is the very fact that I'm going to the US for four years, and I can't blame them, for they only know of the life in Japan. But still, it just gets tough sometimes. 

friends.

these people.

when i first met them, i didn't think they would be this important to me. i knew we were going to be friends but not this close. 

they were the type of friends who didn't nee to be around each other all the time, friends who stepped inside my personal bubble without making me feel uncomfortable. 

everything's so easy with them. i don't have to pretend to be anything, i don't have to worry about trying to be accepted, to meet their expectations. 

we take nice photos like the one above, but mostly we're like this; 

i used to think things are going to be so tough without them. but now i know, no matter the distance, they'll always be here for me. saying good-bye will be hard, but then again, it's not like i'm never gonna see them ever again. 

horray for eternal friendship. and i am beyond blessed to have met them in high school. 

thinking.

im not entirely sure where we're going with this. the topic has been brought up, or we've both hinted it more than once, and each time, it feels like we're waiting for the other to make a move. but because we expect the other to take initiative, nothing happens, and that might actually be for the best. 

no matter how confident we are that we'll somehow make it work, there's always that small chance things could go wrong. we've both lost important people in our lives and are unwilling to go through it all again, especially without each other. in short, we're too good of a friend to lose in a relationship. 

i know that if we do eventually decide to give it a go, it's just going to be pretty much the same as what it is now. and that realisation is another thing that stops us from taking a step forward; if things arenmt going to change dramatically, then why should we risk everything we have on each other? 

it's a tough decision, and taking in account for the fact that i'll be leaving in less than 2 months, it just doesn't seem worth the risk. 

and that pretty much sums up what i was thinking yesterday. i've never actually given it much thought but somehow you got in my head yesterday, pestering me with your humorous and yet somewhat negative comments. 

and there was a moment when something sparked between us, but we were so quick to ignore it, pretending like it didn't happen. and thats when i knew you felt the same way. we're too important to each other to lose in a relationship that doesn't necessarily need to happen.