i miss...

derrick. peyton. buii. berlin. tove. brian. jill. eric. diana. angie. eri. gary. rebecca. jacqueline. micah. patrick. jacob. gabby. daryl. jessica. annie. nicole. sammy. christine. tina. justin. mason. creager. cow. heather. andrewlee. drewyang. ian. janice. morgan. mioko. shimon. takuya. yusuke. steph.

yeeep thats me right there.

legit.

thats a good question.

http://weheartit.com/tag/typography

lost.

last friday.

that was last friday.
you know what happened :)

remind yourself.

because nobody is.
not even the people who tell you to be perfect.

Dear.

Dear immature people,

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

:)

harry potterr.

Harry Potter is the best.
i learn so much from the series, its not even funny.
like this one :

i want one of these.

sorry.

yesterday

what doesnt kill you...

decision.

これも最近気付いた事やねんけど…

なんか佳奈にとって、日本におるのってスゴイ窮屈やねん。

別に誰かのせいとかじゃなくて、ただ単にこの環境は佳奈に合う環境じゃないみたいな。

だから、今息詰まってるって感じるんやと思う。

別に生意気な事を言おうとしてるんじゃないし、人を批判する気もない。

それに、自分でいろいろあるのは分かってるし、それから逃げたいって思う事も少なくはない。

けど、それ以前に、窮屈なのはイヤ。

何をしたら良いんかとか、何がしたいんかとか、全然分からんねん。

でも、帰国して半年してもまだ日本を受け入れてないのは、やっぱりそーゆー事なんちゃうかな。

だって初めて台湾に行った時とか、半年たったら学校楽しかったもん。

でもあと２年、我慢する。
じゃないと日本に帰って来た意味ないから。

そこから、また外へ出る。今から２年間、頑張って自分にできる事をやる。

absolute loveee

i love this↓
thanks babeee <3

:))

最近目の保養が耳の保養にもなりつつある・・・
どんだけ一人の人から求めてるんって話やんなっ
まぁカッコいいし。声めちゃくちゃキレイやし。
良いっか :P

iasas

i swear to god, TAS TIGERS are the best <3
new IASAS records, new school records, new PBs.

i was so overwhelmed with excitement yesterday & today when i was watching it, im literally going insanee :P

you guys are gonna be great & good luck tomorrow, the final day!
and remember, HAVE FUN!

miss you & love you all!

i don't want just anyone.
i want you.
誰でも良いわけじゃないから。

うへっ…

最近めちゃくちゃ息詰まってる。
しかも原因不明という…
sad life, dude.
まぁ原因わかってるといえばわかってるねんけど…
笑
あー、もう何言いたいんか分からんくなってきた :(

で…
昨日の礼拝の話、みんなちゃんと聞いてた？

日本に来て、イジメの陰湿さにビックリしたの覚えてるー。なんか日本ってテクノロジーとかだけじゃなくて、いろいろ発達してんねんなっ :P

これ↓は、最近思うようになってんけど…
自分の考えをちゃんと持ってる人、良いよね。
別にその考えが間違ってても、自分なりに考えてたら良いよ。
正しい人なんかおらんって聖書にも書いてたし…笑

あー、なんか日記に聖書を出す事が同国独自の事やね…

まぁでも男女関係なく自分ではっきり考えられる人好きやなぁ :)

って思いながら周りみたら、佳奈の友達ってほとんどみんな自分の意見持ってる:)))

こーゆー所、尊敬するべきな所やね :D

たとえそれが間違ってても、誰かの言いなりになるよりも数百倍マシ.

ってことで佳奈もちゃんと自分なりに考えて行動したいでーすっ！

っていうepiphanyでした！

except that's almost everyone here.
but you know what im talking about :)

bitch please.

I find it cute when boys,


Make weird faces.


Say “Aww”.


Ask how your day was.


Don’t care about their appearance.


Play with their younger siblings!


Dance ridiculously.


Lick their lips.


Get frustrated.


Laugh.


Sing to you.


Bite their lower lip.


Make that sexy half smirk.


Have proper grammar.


Have swag.


Are funny.


Tease me a little.




via insomniaticthoughts.tumblr.com

:)))

finding this on the IASAS page made my day :)
http://www.livestream.com/ISKL

IASAS

IASAS starting today for the ones that are travelling :)

i wish you all the best of luck and know that im there in spirit!

love you guys <3

GO TIGERS :))

The pledge of allegiance.

i didnt know the words to this.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United STates of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

the feeling.

im getting that feeling all the time.
you know, the...i-feel-you-looking-at-me-but-i-dont-know-why feeling.

our eyes lock together for a second, then we both look away, as if.

its confusing and frustrating. this isnt working.

gahhhhh fml.

people need to get over themselves. no kid.
i know i keep saying th4, and its true.

its okay to be confident, but not arrogant.
be brave, but not brazen.
be indifferent, but not ignorant.

its not that hard, guys.
imma be the bigger person here, and i apologize for my part. im sorry.
but you guys need to leave us alone.
its only a matter of time for her to report you all.

on a separate note:
i like what i see ＼(^o^)／

im so sick and tired of this.

hopefully :)

things are gonna change.

sooner or later.

it has got to change.

that's how it works.


something goes wrong, then it gets better.
it always has worked that way.

hold tight.

long post with many different thoughts coming up, bear with me here.

overthinking ruins you. it ruins the situation, turns things around, makes you worry, and just make things worse than it actually is. this happens to me all the time. this smart guy told me that it was because i try to think of others before myself. and then end up overthinking because i try to think of many people at the same time, rather than what's good for me. 

i also don't like being "chutohampa" as said in japanese. its like, not complete. or like being in the middle. its like injuries shouldn't be chutohampa. it's either you are injured and cant do shit, or you're not injured and can do everything. chutohampa injuries really bother me. like make up your fucking mind. don't do a part of everything, do everything, or don't do it at all. it goes the same for thoughts and everything that can be associated with our everyday life. but especially injuries. 

a smart guy, who happens to be the best brother in the world, once wrote in my yearbook that even though he worries about me, he knows i can take care of myself. because of the entire incident with whats-his-face. well, i need to apologize to him for having faith in me because i simply am not in any shape or form to take care of myself right now. i haven't been doing a good job of it, and i dont think i can do it. sometimes, i put up walls. i used to say that that wasn't done to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down. but now i can confidently say that i do this to keep people out. i can't take care of myself. i need you guys. you know who you are. 

things are really hard for me now. people are ignorant. they don't care what others think of the ways they act, or what they do. it gets to me, even though i know i shouldn't let them get to me. 

it drives me insane how we ignore each others presence. in the same room. 

but despite everything that's happening, i had an amazing birthday <3 thanks everyone :) i still do need to peoples wall posts & inboxes but i'll get to the rest of it tomorrow :) 

peace outt! 

so true.

Birthday :D

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday :)

thanks especially to hikaru, emma, bamba, mariko and yuuki for the presents :)

Love you all <3

tumblr love.

yeah, im saying i love tumblr on blogger.
that's alright though, no one report me to the authorities.

http://www.insomniaticthoughts.tumblr.com/
http://just-littlethings.tumblr.com/

stats

my stats are going up as i type this.
kinda little creepy to have multiple people reading at once.
or maybe, just maybe, they're in the same room on a different computer.
'cause thats highly likely.
like TWD.

anyways, thanks for the comments guys :)
i honestly appreciate your thoughts & words of encouragement.
thanksss <3

ほんとはね

ほんとの事を目の当たりにしたいけどそーしたら、立ち直れなくなるかもしれないから。

ほんとはね構って欲しくていじけたふりをしてるんだよ。

ほんとはね君がいなくても大丈夫なんてウソなんだよ。強がってるんだよ。

Aqua Timez <3

so true,

mmhmmm

Never ask a person “Are you okay?” while they’re crying.

adore.

:)

gaaaah i just vented out to my dear beloved blueberry.
you have no idea how much it helped.

i love you south <3

swimming.

at times like this, i miss swimming more than anything.

the smell of the chlorinated water.

the tired feeling you get after practice.

feeling like i actually achieved something by getting a PB.

the constant yelling of the coaches.

the fun after practice.

the feeling of stress being released.

the anger turning into energy.

showering and changing afterwards.

talking and venting out in the lockers.

waiting for the guys to finish changing.

drying our hairs.

waiting before practice.

eating snack bar food even though we know practice is gonna be sickening.

cold, early mornings.

five days a week training.

extras on the weekends.

double header everyday except for wednesday, unless you did swimzone.

triple header, if you,had swimming for PE.

all of what used to be a part of swimming.

which was the only consistant factor in my life.

so its like this ↓↓↓↓

dear swimming.
can you come back into my life please.

sincerely,
kanako,

i now see that you had a reason for all of this after all.

i took what i can from you for granted. and im sorry i had misunderstood you.

it wasnt just a phase you were going through, like i assumed, it was real.

i like to believe that who they are, or have been, has no effect on me now. if they were the leaders and all, well, dont assume ive chosen to take that path along.

everytime i almost forget about it, someone, something comes up to remind me.
thats not fair.
why cant you guys just let me go live my own life?
i dont mean this in a bad way, just saying that its time we all quit.

sure, i can get you out, but what happens when i no longer can? how are you guys gonna bail?

i love you all, but we need to love each other in terms of normal friends, rather than as a gang.

you know ive been talking to yusuke, ben and ryota, and they all agree.
you all need to stop this, and actually go to school, come to practice regularly, and stop all tha jam.

thats our final word on the gang.

if you guys are gonna quit, im more than happy to come back :)

love you all, and really, think this through.

everytime i try to push it away, it keeps coming back.

sophistication isn what you wear and who you know or pushing people down to get to where you wanna go.

i need to figure things out.

To do

to do:

upload photos from winter break.
reply to inboxes/wall posts
copy notes.
disable email frow facebook.
disable formspring.

im gna try to get that done by the end of this week.

im baking brownies on thursday :))

Disappointment

It was pretty obvious from the first day that we didnt exactly get along.

you had your pride up high, and i had mine somewhere along there too.

im so done putting up with your bullshit, though.
ive had enough of you and your little friends using me＆my friend as a means of mental self satisfaction.

i didnt realize you would sink this low and not realize what you're doing to others.

i am disappointed, by the way. you msged me the first day of october and told me that you wanted me.
i didnt accept that, because we didnt know each other so well.
then you turned against me.

i only meant we should get to know each other better before moving on.

wo xiang ni hen ignorant, and arrogant.

but im gonna let this go now.

ねむー

最近ブログ更新 via 携帯増えたよなっ。

まぁ３学期勉強するって決めたし、部活＆勉強やったら家帰ってからパソコン使う時間ないし。
通学時間を活用してブログ更新も良いかなぁなんて思いだしてん。

しょーみ携帯でも同じ内容打てるし。
写真はちょっとキツイけど…

ってか定期なくした。ふぁっく。
しかも電車とかでじゃなくて、駅から家帰るまでに…
それか部屋にあるけど見つけられへんだけかなっ？

eh.

raising to the top while bringing others down. That wont get you anywhere.

notes.

To my psychologist :)

Happy sixteenth birthday, my dear psychologist!!
sucks we didnt get to have our psychological session while i was back in taiwan :(

im pretty sure you are having an awesome birthday, with your friends and famjam :)
looking hot in your DP by the way psychologist!
very... un-psychoologist-y.

i decided not to write on your wall cause everyone does that. lol
and i was gonna simply write happy birthday on your wall but facebook wouldnt let me post on your wall.
and im hoping they'll let me at least post this link to your profile but idk :P

i miss your psychological presence around me.

aiite, go have a kick ass birthday babe <3

Love,
your client :)

Darkness

surrounds me like never before.

its crazy, like imgnahitmyheadagainstthewallmultipletimes crazy.

you know that feeling? it gets too much and you start wanting to give up everything you had, in return to the normal life.
and get away from this abnormal and absurd place.

this isnt what i expected.

turning around.

Maybe this is wishful thinking.
you, with your stares piercing through me, irritate me and twist my stomach in a knot at the same time.
i feel your eyes on me, staring intensely, as if trying to burn a hole in my face.
if you claim you dont have anything for me, then why did you turn around when you walked away?
were you hoping i would be looking at you, and your self-satisfaction was all that mattered?
you didnt think about how i would feel, when my friend told me that you turned around.
because i dont matter to you.
i know we are both afraid.
afraid of judgements, of commitment, and of others.
but we are gonna have to talk one day, and maybe its for the best, if we stop being so frightend.
nothing good ever comes out of being afraid.

dont turn around, if you dont want me.

hey you.

Dear TWD and others.

teenage years.

tmrw.

epiphany.

but we know that regretting things and being afraid to speak up won't do us any good.
so

hardest thing.

好きです。付き合ってください。
The hardest thing to say to you right now.
also a lie, if i may point out.

you dont like what im doing, fine.
just dont drag others into this.

Two ways

The easiest way out is forgiving and being the bigger person.

the hardest way out is to strike back and wait for the oppressed to cease their attack on you.

i choose the easy way out.

resolution.

Happy New Year everyone!

of course, new year means i have to make a new years resolution.
here it goes!

• swim more. and run more. or like exercise more.
• & participate in competitions & meets.
• study more. at least get a grade thats better than what i got 2nd semester.
• & take a TOEFL and/or TOEIC for college.
• figure out where i wanna go for college & what i wanna do.
• study more mandarin.
• change the layout for my room.
• help my parents with the moving and everything.
• try not to get in any trouble... when im out.
• try not to break any bones. or fracture anything. or dislocate anything.
• try not to go to the hospital.

• try to keep in touch with everyone.
• no attempts for the "unquestionable thing".
• dont let anything get to me.
• try not to go on facebook/myspace/formspring/mixi too much.

that... seems like a do-able list of new years resolution.

oh && cant forget this:

• act like a legit 16 year old :)

'cause its my birthday in a week and a half :)


i can say, with confidence, that 2010 didn't turn out to be a great year for me as i hoped.
but i can say, again with a little bit of confidence this time, that i will try to make 2011 better than 2010.

maybe im gonna deactivate all social-networking programs half way through the year
if i don't feel like im achieving any of the resolution.
myspace deactivation comes first, definitely. 'cause i barely use it anymore.
then formspring, because its a distraction and it just bothers me even more.
then facebook, because i only use it, basically, for sharing photos & keeping in touch with people in taiwan, which i can do by gmail.
then mixi last.

but lets hope i wont have to do that.


god, this is the first time in 6 years that i've made a legit new years resolution.
although i did make one with derrick last year. even though THAT ended up being a fail, as always :)

bahhh i miss taiwan! & micah in beijing. & derrick in the states. & patrick in the koala land!

alrighty, peace out!

きゃー

最近ガチで亀田兄弟にはまってしまった　:P
まぁもともとパパがK1とか格闘技とか好きやから
小さいころから一緒に見ててんけど
こないだ亀田兄弟一番下の弟、亀田和毅がなんかバラエティに出てて
見てたらめちゃくちゃかっこよかった <3
ヤバし

格闘技見るの好き。

亀田和毅好き。

first day back.

first day back
and i saw you
and im already getting this feeling.
i got this feeling i havent in a long time

its the, “are you looking at me when im unaware your looking at me”
cause you shouldnt be secretly looking at me because i will know that you are
its that feeling, when someones watching you, and then you turn around
and that person veers his eyes away from you 
and although its kind of rude to stare at people, 
it kinda draws yourself together
but its wrong, and it means nothing.

i think we need to admit that
there is something going on.
its not lust
but its not hatred.
we need to figure out what it is.

don't we all.

we all wish for the same thing.

simple life, no drama.
good friends, no backstabbing.
amazing boyfriend, no man whores.
nice family, no problems.


don't we all wish life was this easy.

but we all know that's not gonna happen.
life is hard, and sometimes you feel like everything is crashing down on you.

it's not just you.
everyone feels like this.
don't give up.

things will get better.

sorry

This is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying im sorry.

my head.

im just tellin' you


my head was perfectly fine
until a while ago
but now it just doesn't work right anymore.
it is a horrible place to be.

love lives.

I look at you, you look at me



I knew it then but you couldn't see it


And now you've come around


I walked away, you stay behind


But I got the memories to remind me


of how you used to






Hold me so tight, be by my side


and make it alright






Love gives and love takes


yeah, it'll keep you up in the middle of the night


and catch you when you're falling


Love gives, what love makes


If you let it go, it'll always come back


when it hears you calling


Love lives






I know you're there, you always were


There'll be an end to all this hurting


But how many tears will fall?


Before you're back into my arms,


so I can tell you I've been dying


without you






Too many nights are passing us by


But we'll make it by






Love gives and love takes


It'll keep you up in the middle of the night


and catch you when you're falling


Love gives, what love makes


If you let it go, it'll always come back


when it hears you calling






Love lifts you up and lets you fly


and makes you think you'll never die


It's just like living in heaven


and you'll never ever wanna come down






'Cause love is, what love makes


and true love never breaks






'Cause love gives and love takes


It'll keep you up in the middle of the night


and catch you when you're falling


Love gives, what love makes


If we let it go, it'll always come back


when it hears you






And love gives


And love takes


It'll keep you up in the middle of the night


and catch you when you're falling


Love gives, what love makes


yeah, if you let it go, it'll always come back


when it hears you calling

sometimes.

I sometimes think maybe I need to let a lot of things pass me by and not care about so many little things. There's a reason why people aren't cooperative. Theres a reason for me not liking them so much.


& I think its okay to let my emotions take over, rather than my ability to remain rational, because sometimes, acting on emotions can be great. Its okay, then, as long as I know when I absolutely have to be rational, rather than emotion crazed teenager.

God, how I would love to get away from everything that’s happening.

I don't mean to complain about things. But its kinda hard, you know? Sometimes, when things go wrong and all you have is… well, basically nothing, it gets really hard.

People misjudge me. Actually, they shouldn’t even judge me by what I say here because sometimes these are just words, but whatever.

People need to stop saying that im strong, that I can do anything.

That's not me.

And they definitely need to stop pretending like I don’t need anyone
Because you keep telling him that
And we push each other away but that's the opposite of what others are saying about us
And it just gets complicating, you know?


Oh god, I don’t even know what im saying anymore.

SPEAK.

real life is a funny thing. in real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. so crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. but lately, what I’ve begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.




I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn’t speak up. when we didn’t say I love you. when we should’ve said im sorry. when we didn’t stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.




words can break someone into a million pieces but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good because the only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.



what you say might be too much for some people. maybe it will come out all wrong and you’ll stutter and you’ll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. but I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest.



so say it to them. or say it to yourself in the mirror. say it in a letter you’ll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying “ I could’ve, but it’s too late now”



there is a time for silence. there is a time for waiting your turn. but if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait. I think you should speak now.