大切な人へ

i dont know what i want anymore.

you are great the way you are.
i know im not in any place to say this to you because we barely know each other. but reading what you wrote made me think that maybe you just need someone to assure you that you arent doing anything wrong by feeling like that.
its okay to feel a bit broken sometimes. we all have those days. its okay to not want anything to do with the world, but you need to, at the same time, appreciate what you have.

from what i see, you have amazing friends. they are there for and with you all the time, and they care for you.
you have your sports, even though you are thinking of giving up. but you still have that as a part of you.

its okay to have things that you cant get over.those things only make you stronger.

佳奈がどうこう言える立場じゃないってのは分かってるけど、あなたがあーゆー風に潰れていくのは見たくない。

それは佳奈があなたをまだ好きやから。でもそれだけじゃない。ただ単に１人の人として、誰かがあーゆー風に崩れていくのを見たくないだけかもしれん。

元カノの事、忘れられへんねんってね。
でもそれはそれで良いんじゃないかな。忘れられへんだけ彼女を大切にしてたって事やろ？確かに忘れられへんとか言ってたら、グダグダ引きずってる感じがあるかもしれんけど、それはあなたのそーゆー感情をきちんと読み取られへん人が悪いんちゃうかな。

もうちょっと自分に自信持って良いと思う。あなたは何にも間違ってないから。

佳奈達はいつになったらお互いを受け止められるようになるんやろ？せめて友達にはなれるって思ってたのに…
佳奈が間違ってたみたいやね。でもまぁいつかは仲良くなれるかな。
その時はその時で名前を出して話したいな。

今の待ち受け <3

えへへ

今の待ち受けだよー

好きやねん、彼。

ってかこの写真何気おちゃめ :P

 

 

今日はブログ更新回数高い。

まぁたまにはＯＫやねー :)

 

いろいろ

下のクラスサンクス、改めて読むとめっちゃ勇気出して書いた事がひとつだけあった・・
まぁどれかはみんなの想像に任せます！（笑）
でも今それを消したら誰への事か分かっちゃうからあえて消しません。
あー、でも書かへんかったら良かったって若干後悔してるなう。（失笑）


ってか今日もあかり、さわでぃー＆ふじかなと言っててんけど、１Aのメンツって絶対来年新しいクラスになったらはみられるよなぁ・・・（笑）
なんかA組ってやけに団結してるらしいな。でもみんな independent at the same time　らしくて、そーゆーラフな雰囲気が良いって言ってくれる他クラスの子もおるけど、逆にその雰囲気に乱入しにくいって言う子もおるみたい。

で、これを聞いて、みんなもうちょい早く言ってくれれば、フツーにこっちから近寄っていったのに・・・と一人で思ってた。


今日は高１最後の日直でした。うちのクラス、学級日誌４冊目の最後まで書き終わったみたい。ってか佳奈が最後のページ書いた :)
結構真面目に書いてんけど、もう誰も日直やらへんから読まへんよな・・・（苦笑）
まぁ書いた内容って言っても
１．昨日のギタープレゼン（あかり、よっしー、ナオキ＆たにお）がヤバかった＆もう一回聞きたい
２．最近の怪我達＆not giving up.
３．この半年間について
やからあんまり読む意味ないけど :P

それにしてもギターは上手やったね :)
サギ、声がエロかった。よっしー、ほんまに風邪？！ってくらい声キレイ。ナオキ、歌うまい。たにお、イントロってかアルペジオのところカッコよかった。
って事でもう一回聞きたい。でもまぁ無理やんね。（笑）


ヤバイ、パソコンからやったら日本語でもすぐに打てる！ちょっと何気に感動かも・・・
携帯から長い文章（しかも苦手な日本語）で打つのってめちゃくちゃ時間かかるし頭使う。
でも多分帰国して半年、日本語上達したと思う。ってかしたはず。ってかしてて欲しい。（笑）
その分英語が若干低下しつつあるけど、それはいつか improve　するやろ・・・多分。

って事で今日はなんかテンション高い。
えー、今からお風呂入って、アイスクリーム食べて、ドラマみて、探偵ナイトスクープ見る :))

peace outt <3

毎年恒例のクラスサンクス！

えっとこれ↓↓は、佳奈が毎年学年末にやってる振り返り＆サンクスです！
もう５年目になるかな…？
って事で今年もやります！

来週の月曜日で授業、そして再来週の月曜日で高１終わっちゃうね。

編入してすぐは、いろいろ戸惑ったり、自分の居場所を見つけるのに苦労したりしたけど、今は学校めちゃくちゃ楽しい。

まぁイヤな事とかあるけど、それはどこにおっても多分一緒やろうから、別に苦じゃない。

でもみんなでグダグダ喋ってるの、意外と楽しい。多分しょーもない話してるのが、好きなんやと思う。笑

それにイヤな事があったら、その分楽しい事をめちゃくちゃ楽しむっていうスタンスで生活したら、意外とイヤな事のことなんか忘れたり結局最後は笑って終わるっていうのの繰り返しやね。

ってかこないだまでイヤやった事とかを改めて考えると、何事に笑っちゃう。
なんか 「あ、佳奈ってこんなしょーもない事でグダグダ言ってたんや…」みたいな。正直こんなくだらない事に時間をムダに費やしてたとな思うとちょっとアホらしくなるのもムリないと思う…。笑

まあ、１人できゅんきゅんしたり、いろんな人と語り合ったり、ふざけたり、そーゆーのがイヤな事を忘れたり、ストレス発散に繋がったり…とか、今考えたら、佳奈が学校辞めてないのはみんなのおかげです！
ほんまありがとう。

もうちょっと仲良くなりたい人とかいっぱいおるねんけど…まぁクラス違うくてもあと２年あるからいつかは仲良くなれるかな？笑
っていう風に、佳奈はいつまでもポジティブです。笑

そして毎年恒例のクラスサンクス！！！

１Ａのみんな、半年間いろいろありがとー！

まずはエマ！
you are the best, dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

次はカノ！
帰り楽しい。初めはカノの毒舌にちょっとビックリしたけど、今はそんなカノが大好きです！笑

それからゆうき、こっちゃん＆みきてー！
体育の授業、ガチ楽しかった :)

あかり、ちか、ももこ、みゆ、あやの、りな、ナオキ、さわでぃー、ゆーや君＆うっちー：
thanks for making Sarah＆Brier's class exceptionally fun :)

ばんちゃん、まりこ、ゆきちゃん＆ちぃ！
あなたたち、とにかく絡みやすい！もっと早くから絡んどいたら良かったって若干後悔してます。笑

ひめ、ひかり、ゆうこりん、もなみ、じょにーさん、なるみ、なお＆えみ：
あんまり絡みなかったのが残念 :( でもこれからもよろしく〜 :D

よっしー（鬼太郎）＆チェック：
礼拝、何事に楽しかったよー！ってかよっしーの礼拝での寝相＆爆睡度、スゴイ :P

池永君＆たにお：
えっと…いろいろごめんなさい。これ、ガチやから。

サッカー部＋いいけん＋ラグビー部＋テニス部＋バスケ部：
部活仲間で楽しそうに絡んでるの見てたら面白いね :P これからも部活頑張ってくださーい。

そしてかただっち！
いろいろありがとうございました！かただっちの授業、マジで面白い。来年もかただっちが国語の先生やったら良いなっ :)))

はい、これくらいかな？
あー、去年のやつよりもグダグダやけど…
まぁ頑張って絡んだ事ない人の事まで書いたから :)

って事でこんなグダグダな佳奈ですがこれからもよろしくお願いします！

peace out <3

ぐふふ＼(^o^)／

guitar presentation!

やっぱりカッコいい人はカッコいいね。
あ、顔がとかじゃなくて、ギター弾ける＆歌上手な人やで。

yumm :)

i admire the way you think about the things you really love.
not giving up because you arent good enough to quit, or because you havent been accepted.

i actually respect you on a lot of things.
people just see you as the person whos always sleeping but i think you're so much more than that.

lmao @ yusuke for the previous post.
thanks for hacking in, and posting what you wanted me to say :P
love you!

dear yusuke.

メールかFBでメッセしようと思ってんけど、どーせ読まずに消去するやろうから…
でもこれやったら読むの分かってるから↓↓

今の佳奈にとって必要なのは the ability to think about myself before others やって教えてくれた yusuke にはめちゃくちゃ感謝してる。
それに、 yusuke が言ってる事は正しいと思う。

特に yusuke の事とか考えてたら、結局いつまでも he comes first で自分のやりたい事とかは、yusuke に迷惑かかるからって思っちゃう。
確かに yusuke の友達とか考えたら、佳奈と距離おく方が楽やん。だから、佳奈は respect your thought on that.
例えそれが佳奈にとってやりたい事じゃなくても。

でもまぁいつか佳奈が自分の事を先に考えられるようになったら、その時はその時でなんとかなるかな :)

でも今はちょっと距離置かせて欲しい。
今、この状態で yusuke と話したりするのは多分キツイと思う。
ごめんなさい。

怪我ったからってもうムリとか諦めるんって just making excuses for yourself.

最近ルー語になりつつある…笑

dear.

this post is dedicated to the two people that i have met since i moved to Japan.
i don't think you two would ever read this, but that's okay because i just need this written down somewhere, for the record. in case i ever have the chance to say this to you face to face.

1.
you were the first one i saw when i walked into the classroom. we didn't really talk until like mid-october, when we met in the morning and then our seats changed and that was the beginning. i had already heard about you by then, and it was nice to really get to know you. it was a bit shocking though, middle of november but i guess you're happy now so that's alright :) and we've been talking a lot lately, and i honestly respect you on the things you say. it makes me think about myself, and how i can't just sit here and sulk around. we're not like, best friends, and i don't think we ever will be, but that's okay because i know i need some distance from you, at least for now, and i like how we are right now, with us being acquaintances.

2.
the first time i saw you, i wasn't the least bit interested in you. you were just a guy in our class, who were talkative, flirty and indifferent. and then came mid-november, and i had that bit of shock mentioned above, and then we talked about random things. and thats how i started. even though it now is becoming a contest to see who could care less, and even though i was a bit disappointed in you, and even though you and your little friends dislike me for that one little thing i said, im still reminded of what you mean to me now. the times we talk to each other accidentally, like last friday, those are the times that hurt the most. i find myself interested in what you say, or just us in general, and knowing we cant even be friends hurt me a lot. because you took away that option when you misunderstood what i had meant. but i guess thats alright, because i need to distance myself from you. good luck with the sport you are doing, and dont just throw it all away because you feel a bit of pain in the parts of your body. if you do, all your effort is gonna be washed down the drain.

and, at last,
my most sincere thanks goes to both of you.

i wish i were this positive this time of last year.

strangers.

i try not to let my weakness show
especially in front of you
because that just proves how vulnerable i am without you
and you don't need any of this right now
because you finally got what you wanted.

but it's hard, when all you do is just stand there
and watch me try not to let you see me hurt.

it would help if you said something or did something.
and not act like we're complete strangers
because after all we've been through, we can't just go back to being strangers.

you may think we can be strangers
but that's not true,
what we had will stay with you forever
or rather, haunt you forever, in your case
since you so wanted to get away from it all.

but no matter what you do,
everytime you see me, you'll be reminded of the things we've done.
you can't forget anything that's happened.
that's life. and you need to deal with that.

you can pretend like we don't know each other though.
but that'll make people wonder what happened to us
because they've all seen us together
and they know how we close we were, or "pretended" to be.

maybe all of what we had
was hard for both of us.
living up to peoples expectation.
maybe we didn't have any feelings for each other to begin with.

we were just pretending all along.

it's nice to finally know that what we had might've been, probably was,  fake,
rather than to keep doubting what we were.

know that we cant be strangers anymore
we've gone too far with this to go back.

doesn't matter that we didnt like each other
and that we were doing this for everyone's benefit but our own,
we still changed ourselves for each other.

and as if changing for a person isn't hard enough
going back is harder.

i hope we can both learn from this.

from akari.

嫉妬するのは、羨ましさを照れ隠ししてるから。 心が狭いのは、想いが詰っているから。 この手が冷たいのは、熱で苦しむその頭を冷ましたいから。 意地悪をするのは、大好きと伝えられないから。 直ぐ家に帰りたいのは、我が家を大切に想っているから。 死ぬのが怖いのは、皆と別れたくないから。

17 again.

Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on.



--so cutee.

win.

That feeling you get when you hear a song you love that you haven’t heard in a long time.

i love that.

pain.

I'm losing it. everything is falling apart.
nothing goes right.
i don't feel much.
just pain.

it's honestly been a while since i felt like this.
everything that's been happening, they were deal-able.

this. isn't. deal.able. at. all.

apologies don't help anymore.
they don't mean anything to me.
they are just words that people say to try to make themselves feel better about something they have done wrong.
saying sorry has nothing to do with actually feeling sorry.
its a way of getting away from their guilty conscience

all i can feel is your glare across the room.
and that weird vibe i get off of you whenever you're around.
it really creeps me out.

this is all too much, but not enough at the same time.

thanks, ms anonymous :)

awh :(

A boy gave his girlfriend a challenge; to live a day without him & if she did it he would love her more. The girl agreed and she didnt talk to him for a day without knowing he had only 24 hours so live because he was suffering from cancer. She went to his house the next day tears falling from her eyes as she saw him lying in a coffin with a note on the side:’You did it baby,you can do it everyday’.

post about the posts. 1 year anniversary :)

my stats tells me that i had over a 100 post in december. and then i realized they were mostly photos taken off tumblr, because it was the winter break and i didnt have anything better to do.


then my january post was about 70, and some of them were legit posts! like the ones about iasas and everything.


then february, its up to around 40 now, and we're only half way through the month. so imma try to keep this up.




it's been a year since i started my blog and ive really made this a place for me to write out my feelings. i believe i have progressed a lot over this past year, both in terms of thoughts and my way of writing.


i've also learned a lot over the past year, thanks to my frirends back in Taiwan, the swimmers & the rugby players, band members, teachers & faculties, and then people in Japan, all the new friends i met, the two people i've fallen for, since i moved here, all the teachers & the family friends that i had talked to. and of course, can't forget all the haters both in taiwan and here. it's because of them that i've learned to be stronger and always be true to myself. they have also helped me figure out who i was, and who my real friends are.


and of course, thanks to the readers that i have :) i have resetted the stats a couple of times by accident, so the states shown to the right isn't accurate, but around 2500 sounds about right since the last time i resetted it :))


thanks everyone && keep reading!
<3 <3 <3

hehehehe

“Fucking” is one of those fucking words you can fucking put anyfuckingwhere in a sentence and it still makes fucking sense.

and you never really cared.

bitch please.

i smile to myself when i see your name on my page.
i can feel the butterflies in my stomach when i see you smile, or when i hear your voice.

it kills me to know that its not me you're smiling at, or that you're talking to.

込み上げてくる思い
言葉にはできるけど
声にはならない

answers.

you wanna know why i act immature all the time?

its because being immature is easier than always telling people whats on my mind.

i dont like letting my feelings out to people. or just in public in general.

thats why i act like i dont know anything.
you'd know, by reading my blog, that im not all that stupid.

まぁそれでも今日は疲れた。

でも昼休みは楽しかったよー

でもやっぱりイライラするねー
なんか昨日の日記も読んだはずやろうし
まぁどんなヒドイ人でも少しくらいは
読んだ事について考えると思っててんけど

まぁ間違えてたみたいやね。

done.

you disappoint me
in ways i never thought would be possible.

i loved you once
but never again.

this is my feeling right now:
ja;sfjasjfap;sjfasfj;laskjf;asljf;lasjf;asjkf;akjsdlagjlapi19830-rt^nfh]:ad/.adkhjqfuoqgipwg

Happy Valentines <3

今日はバレンタインやねー :)
バレンタインになんかするのとか小５以来やわぁ…

って事で今年はブラウニー作りました :)
最近ブラウニーはまってるねん。

でもみんなにあげるんちゃうくて、少人数ね

ってか冷めた佳奈からしたらバレンタインなんていらんねんけど…
まぁブラウニー作れたからオッケーかなっ。

あとチョコ＆お菓子くれた人みんな、ありがとー :D

でもまぁ
イライラするねー
なんか人を大切にしない発言。
聞きたくないのに聞こえてきちゃうねんなぁ…
とにかく黙ってろって感じ。

もうすぐ周りから女子おらんくなるよっ！

みんな結構傷ついてるみたいやからねー
そりゃ好きじゃなくても、キライって言われたら傷つくよなっ。

まぁいい加減にしときやぁー

って事でバレンタインのブラウニー配りに行ってきます！

<3

あーあ…

ごめん、あんまり親しくないけど
ってかほとんど喋った事ないけど
これだけは言わせて↓↓

女子に照れた顔見られたくないんやったら、はじめから女子とつるむなっつーの。

ってか自分が照れた顔見られたくないからって、自分に親しくしてくれる人（男女関係なく）に面と向かって「キライ」とか言うな。

めちゃくちゃ失礼やし、人間として最低。
何でも口にして良いわけじゃないのは分かってるやろっ。

特に自分の事を良く言ってくれる人なんか、世界に一握りしかおらんねんから
大切にしろっつーの

あー、結構惚れてたのに。
結構良いなぁ、カッコいいなぁって思ってたのに。
いろいろ聞いてたから面白そうやなぁって思ってたのに。
めちゃくちゃ友達思いやなぁって思ってたのに。

大好きやったのに。

なんかＮからこの話聞いて見損なった。

ん、それだけ。

mistake.

the first thing you said when you came back:
"hows collge hunting going?"

er, its good to see you too.

can you just step back for a second, and let me breathe, please.

i dont usually ask for help or whine about the things that matter to me.
so you knew how hard it was for me when i talked to you.

im sorry. it was wrong of me to think you would care.

it was my mistake.

please.

harry potter.

is the best.
no question, end of discussion.

i learn so much from that series
its not only for entertainment.
it cheers me up when im down
i love harry potter :))

i need to pull myself together.

ouch.

asdfghjkl;

its true.

two facts!

Sometimes the best revenge is to smile, move on, and do nothing.
----> it makes people wonder what they've done wrong in the process of trying to hurt you.



 
Someday I want to meet Robert Pattinson in front of a bunch of screaming Twilight fans and shout “Oh My God! It’s Cedric Diggory!”
-----> because Harry Potter is much much be4tter than Twilight :)

hehehe

words

words that i will always remember.

you said this, and then sent me 121 msgs with the same words:

ill never leave you, even when we are no longer a part of us anymore. im gonna be your best friend, then.

yesterday, i went on a major killing spree.

no, blogging spree.

although killing spree wont be so bad, either :P

whoohooo

piss off.

this really bothers me:

oh well, the first part does, at least.

the second part is kinda funny :)

screw calm and...

kill those fucking cunts.

oops, sorry. that just came out.
you know. out of nowhere.
:)

nope. don't mean it really.
maybe half true though.
might come true in the near future.
:)

oh i love this :))

i wish people would listen as much as they talk.

i love randomly swearing at everything when im agitated.

and this is for tove, derrick, peyton, buii & berlin, jill && brian.

mehhh

and this is the feeling i've been getting for a long time :

reflection.

this time last year, i was done with IASAS and my closest friends were the people on the swim team. I was happy with what i got out of the competition, and we had Spirit Week so we were all dressed up as Spirit Week participants and hyper and whatnot. and we were definitely able to walk around in shorts & a t-shirt. or a tanktop, even. and i was, of course, excited for Chinese New Year. and i was excited for team bondings and water polo and MANTAS. i had my awesome brothers at TAS and overseas, derrick, peyton and buii + micah & patrick, my amazing friends at school, creager, steph, jake and people, and the swim team and rugby was a huge part of my life. oh, and most importantly, i was in taiwan.

right now, this year,  i am freezing my ass off, even though i wear 2086092498 layers of clothes when i go outside. swimming and rugby is no longer a huge part of my life unfortunately. it now actually is one of the smallest part of my life, when you think about it. i hadn't talked to my awesome brothers & friends & swim team & rugby people & everyone in taiwan since the middle of december. i hadn't gone to IASAS, even though the swim team had travelled. we dont have Spirit week. im not excited for Chinese New Year because it's not celebrated here. No team bonding, and even if there was, i wouldn't be so excited for it. We'll never play water polo in this weather, and MANTAS is totally out of the question. People that were complete strangers to me, like Sakura and Hikaru and Emma, are now my best friends. and i am in japan.

i am a little disappointed by how much my life has changed over the past 12 months, now that i look back on it.

opinions.

i've changed a lot, but so have you. im not complaining about it thought. everyone is constantly changing and there is nothing wrong with that. i've realized a lot of things recently and people may not agree with me on everything i have to say but that's okay, because everyone has their own opinions. let's face it, im the type of person who has her own opinion on things, and i don't always agree with what a lot of people have to say. i enjoy long conversations about life and just random stuff, and i don't try to pretend to be someone else because i know i'm not.

never.

i will never forget those days & nights.
december 7th 2007
september 7th 2009
december 14th 2009
january 26th - 31st 2010
april 17th 2010
april 23rd - 26th 2010

simple.

it's as simple as this:

昨日のひかるのメール達、ガチ感動した！
そう、一件だけちゃうねん (≧∇≦)
三件くらい感動するメールくれてん。

またいろいろ語り合お ＼(^o^)／

ありがとー <3

everytime i see you, i die a little inside.

it's ironic, isnt it?

How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides to never talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said. They just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they made it look so easy.

deearr.

honestly, do not make me regret you.

we both know we're risking everything we have to do this

and it may not be worth all this in the end

but what we have right now, is what counts.

i am in doubt, as you are

but throw away that doubtfulness

and leave it all behind.

because we will work this out

it may take time, but we will.

and when we do, we're gonna look back on this and laugh.

oh how i wish.

Mom - “Did you go to school today?”


Me - “No, didn’t feel like dealing with people”

Mom - “Alright honey, but sometimes you have to ignore the people that bug you. But if those shit heads keep on bugging you I give you permission to curb stomp a bitch.”

If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they never ask you to.

hmm

definitely heard this somewhere.

I’m the type of girl that can be hurt easily but smile and pretend nothings wrong. I’m the type of girl who’s willing to brighten your day even if i cant brighten my own.

don't make me regret you.

Girl Language.

When I said sorry, believe me I feel it.


When you see me starting to cry, hold me and tell me everything’s gonna be alright.


When I ignore you, give me your attention.


When I’m quiet, ask me what’s wrong.


When I push or hit you, grab me and don’t let go.


When I’m mad and I walked away from you, follow me.


If I didn’t text you, it’s because I’m waiting for you to text me.


When I say I love you, Don’t doubt. I mean it.

honesty.

i dont know if im 本気 with this thing.

butterflies - check!
smile - check!
きゅんきゅん - check!

でも、それ以外何にもないから…

or is that enough?

ヤバい
全然分からん。