knowledge.

funny, how the things that used to matter to us before are now worth nothing. like the pokemon cards i used to collect. i had them in numbered order and had them pinned to my wall when i was in grade 1. now the cards have been replaced by photos of my friends and i, of the memories, of my family and posters of athletes and actors. to tell the truth, i have no idea where my pokemon cards are jow.

and this is applicable to people as well. you wake up one day and the people you call your best friends have all turned against you. you know it doesn't really matter because it's all a part of the dreaded high school drama, but it still hurts. you begin to wonder all the possible reason for how your friends are behaving, but there is no absolute solution.

two nights later, you realise you are on your own on a friday night, something you haven't been for almost two years. friday was a movie night and it was a given.
not this weekend though. you rummage through the dvd collection, determined to watch a movie, if you are all alone. but you pick the wrong movie, one with a bunch of high school students laughing in the school corridors, gossiping, trying to keep up with the latest news of the almighty kingdom known as high school.

somewhere along the way, you realise something; you are okay. loneliness and dull days follow you still, but you know you are okay, and knowing you won't collapse any time soon, is the most wonderful thought you've had in a long time.

gratitude.

happy thanksgiving everyone!

for the past two years, i havent done a thanksgiving post since it was always the weekend before finals... but i've got a day off from school today so here it goes!

i am thankful for all people i have in life. family, friends, teachers, classmates, coaches, teammates... i know we dont always get along, but at the same time, i know i couldn't have gotten to where i am now without all of you.

the countless times my friends have saved me from my everlasting negativity, the numerous hours spent brooding over the things that can completely change my life, the excruciating hours of pain and enduring them with me, all the days we spent gossiping about random people, are the reason i can wake up each morning and drag myself to school. they are the ones who saved me after sophomore year, and i am forever in debt to them for that.

i am also thankful for the countless opportunities i am blessed with, for my parents who always try to give me a chance at anything, for my teachers who have been supportive of my dicey decisions, and for those whos been there for me in my time of need.

i am not perfect, i don't live a perfect life, and i certainly don't have a perfect future ahead of me. i do wish there were some things i could undo or do differently, but if that meant i had to give up what i have now, i wouldn't change a thing. if all the pain, rejection, denial, sadness and the rest of the negative emotions is what took me to where i am now, i have no regret as to how i lived my life up till now.

so. please know that i am always always always thankful for the things you do for me, no matter how small it is. i wouldn't be me if not for the people and the environment in which i currently live, and i am 100% thankful for all the people in my life who helped me get to where i am now.

vulnerability

i feel like i saw a side of you i wasn't supposed to see. like your vulnerable side that you've tried so hard to keep from everyone.

i know it was unintentional. you were weakened by the blow, and i just happened to be the one to offer my hand. you had to hold onto my hand, figuratively, to not hit rock bottom.

and you knew, that once you let me see how vulnerable you were on the inside, you knew things were going to change between us. you knew what effect it has when someone is there for you when you need them. it not only heightens your emotions towards me, but also it makes me look more radiant than usual. you find yourself attracted to my brightness, which, at the time, was the complete opposite of your own feelings. you knew that whatever feelings of affection we had towards each other before has now magnified because once you showed how susceptible you were to pain, i instantly and temporarily became your sun, and my maternal instincts kicked in. you knew all this, and yet you choose to expose yourself.

now we are stuck trying to figure out whether what we had was a caught-in-the-moment thing or a real thing. there's no denying that something sparked between us. we pass each other in the corridors, and when we talk, i know you're letting your guard down. there's no more reason to put up your strong facade when you are with me, and you know you've got me to fall back on.

which makes you a bit more brave than usual. that's why you stopped lying to yourself. you became honest with the one person that mattered to you quite a lot, only to be broken into little pieces again.
but as you said before gathering enough courage, and as i have just written, you had me to fall back on. i was ready to talk to you about what happened, and that's exactly what we did.

and to be completely honest, seeing this new side of you made me realise how much i liked you to begin with. and hearing you speak, to hear the way you think, it has only made me admire and respect you even more. and i candidly expressed my admiration, respect and affection towards you, but you took it as words of encouragement. which is fine with me, since i'm not expecting anything to happen between us.


let me clarify some things.
our talks were highly exclusive and i would never reveal the contents of our endless conversations, no matter how hard my best friends press me to speak about them.

here are some cliches that actually is applicable to the situation we have: you always have me to fall back on, wherever we are, whatever time it is. and i know i can count on you to be there for me.
as far as our feelings go, let's not get carried away by what we felt whilst you were at your most vulnerable state. it's not fair to base your feelings on what you felt when you were fragile.

playing the role of an onlooker.

one thought has been constantly on my mind since last night. "nothing hurts more than to feel helpless, to be nothing more than a bystander while the people you love get hurt over and over." 

as my facebook status update says, nothing hurts more than watching the people you love have their heart shattered. and what's even worse is that i can't even blame anyone for the pain they've caused. because their actions proved to be justified and they had every reason to do what they did. I know it’s redundant, but it’s so crucial that it needed to be said twice. and because it’s justified, we can’t go around calling people names like we sometimes do when we are greatly pissed off. 
pain is much easier to deal with when we can blame the people who hurt us. by using energy to blame someone, we avoid turning that energy into pain. blaming someone saves ourselves from getting hurt even more. 

it may sound selfish, this whole lets-blame-someone-so-we-don’t-further-hurt-ourselves thing, but sometimes, putting yourself in front of others is important too. I am definitely not in favour of putting myself in front of everyone else at all times, but when im the one getting hurt as a result of something I did out of courage, I think I have every right to be somewhat selfish to save myself.

I used to think not being able to tell someone how I truly felt about them, good or bad, and the regret that comes from that, was the worst feeling in the world. but now I know better. watching the people I care about get hurt is worse. and to watch them while they sacrifice themselves in order to make sure the perpetrator doesn’t feel too bad about themselves is even worse.

of course, not being able to tell someone your feelings is bad. really bad. like. really really bad. it keeps you awake at night, wondering what would happen if you gathered enough courage to actually say it. and then you start thinking about all the possible answers they can give you, and by the time you realise, you can only come up with negative situations, because our minds all tend to like negativity, even if our hearts don’t.

im not even sure if what I’m typing makes sense. I am confused, hurt and doubtful. and I feel like the only thing I can is to just be there and listen. I used to think I can help people, give them advice and bring them back to where they should be, but ive come to understand that sometimes, the best thing I can do is to wait for the person to reach out and to be ready to be at their side as soon as they do, instead of try to push them too far.

wish.

there's a part of me that desperately wishes things were different.
at the risk of sounding completely childish, i will admit, i wish he liked me instead of her.
it's tough enough trying to force my feelings down, since i will be going away soon. but to hear him talk about her and nothing else, it's just too much. especially when i don't even know her personally.

pain.

the only reason why we started talking was because i had something that you were looking for. we talked for hours every night, joking around and making up situations. and i have come to enjoy it. but as the due date nears, im realising the very fact that when all this is over, so is the relationship between the two of us.

but i want to see you smiling, even if i'm not the one responsible for putting the huge grin on your face.

compilation of thoughts.

before I write, I know how crazy this is going to be. I need to write, to express my thoughts, to write it down so I know what I’m feeling is real. so here it goes:

I know this is going to sound unconvincing, but I know how to take care of myself. I’ve been doing that since my freshmen year, and I know my actions and words in sophomore year showed nothing that proved how capable I am, I just need you to trust me on this. I know sophomore year was a living hell. Of course, I knew I wasn’t going to have it easy, moving back in the middle of the year and not making an effort to fit in, but I didn’t expect it to be this terrible. Part of me makes me wish I could go back. but another part of me tells me that I wouldn’t be where I am without the past. And I like where I am right now. I’m not proud of the things I did, the things I said, and the way I acted in the past, but if that’s what it takes for me to be where I am, then I’m all in. Besides, things improved in my junior year. Starting a new grade was like being given a fresh start. Despite a few people knowing me from previous year, most of them didn’t. I was able to start over. And that’s what brought me here. Junior year went pretty well, since I was able to put some distance between myself and the ones who made my sophomore year a living hell.

And I have to say, I was mistaken about some people. I didn’t expect to be talking to the people I talk to now, and I would’ve never dreamt of spending time after school with them, even if it was for a class. I thought I would hate every second I spend with them, but that proved to be wrong. They are actually pretty nice, considerate, intelligent and accepting. They are not as intimidating as I made them out to be in the past, and I doubt they think of me in the same way they did when we were sophomores. I’m glad it worked out for all of us, since I know it would’ve been a complete waste to not be on good terms with them.  

Also, needless to say, the girls I spend my time with every day are the very ones who have saved me and I cannot be any more grateful for them than this. They saved me from my everlasting fear of going to school. It was they who made me realise the good things about school, friends, and life itself. Now, I know this is going to sound corny, but I really wouldn’t know what to do without them. I am forever in debt for all the things they have done. I know they don’t realise what terrible state I was in at the beginning of junior year because they didn’t know me until then, but seriously, they saved me. I might not even be here, had I not met them. and where I would be if I hadn’t met them, that’s a scary thought and I don’t ever want to revisit that place, ever again.

with all that in mind, i think it’s fair to say I’m scared of going off to college. meeting new people have made two impressions on me, two complete opposite impressions. one, meeting new people meant meeting more and more people who didn’t like me. two, meeting new people meant they could save me from myself. now, I know that the chances of meeting people who dislike me is low, but I can’t just ignore the fact the chance is still there.

Me a year ago would’ve wanted to go off to college as soon as I can, to get the hell away from here. but that was because there were outside forces trying to make sure my life sucked as much as it can possibly suck without me committing suicide. but now that those same people are actually the ones I’m working with, I don’t feel the same way about my life as I did before. so my need to escape turned to a want. it’s now not a necessity but a dream.

Of course, I still want to live abroad. and study abroad. but now I know that its all for the right reasons. Before, I wanted to go abroad to get out of this country, away from all the childish drama that has followed me around since sophomore year. but now, I want to go because I have a dream, a goal, and to get to that goal, I have to study abroad.

and it’s nice to realise that I had real reasons for wanting to go abroad, but with that, my doubt about applying to a certain school increased. I know that it will be a great experience living where the school is located, and that what I can learn from it will be useful in my future career. especially since my goal requires a wide knowledge of different parts of the world and its culture. but it would be like taking a detour to my dream. if I go somewhere that offers a course in what I really want to study, I wouldn’t have to worry about taking a detour. but the experience itself is overwhelming. I want the experience. but im all set on my dream, I feel like im gonna waste time. four years is a really long time to stay away from what I want to do. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately but I still can’t quite figure it out.

I seriously don’t mind all the thinking, because it helps me see different sides of me that I never knew existed, but sometimes it gets tiring. like my thoughts are all intertwined with each other so whenever I start thinking of one thing, some other thought pops up and stops me from thinking clearly of the things I need to think about. and then I find myself unable to figure out the right thing to do and I completely lose myself. and I don’t think I can take that anymore. I know what comes from me breaking down and I know it won’t be pretty.

okay, so my rambling has strayed away from my original point completely. but I think this is written rather straightforwardly, which was exactly what I was going for. it’s been a while since I actually wrote stuff like this. in all honesty, I wish I could talk to my parents about this. or rather, I wish I could talk to my mum about it. it’s hard when we talk about college or about winter holidays and she keeps mentioning where she wants me to go and she believes im going there or something. it’s like I don’t have a choice. it’s like she doesn’t even notice when I try to digress from the conversation. talking to her about important thing has always been hard, but it has never bothered me this much. now, with me trying to make a huge decision that can completely change my life, I need her in this with me. I need to be able to talk to her about things, especially this past two months. I really wish she’d get rid of all the preconceptions she has and listen to what I’m saying. the name of the school isn’t everything. sometimes, there are schools that aren’t really famous but a major within the school is. and I know that the school might not be as hard to be admitted as other schools, but the school actually is the closest way I can take to my dream. it may be hard to understand now, but I hope she can understand this soon. like real soon. like in the next few weeks.

I seriously need a break from all of this. like a day that I don’t have to do anything. and just stay on my bed to watch TV shows all day. that kind of break. I don’t know how that is going to help me but I need to relax. I could go swimming but it would be too cold. not when im in the water but afterwards when im walking home from the pool and that’s gonna make me feel bad about swimming in the first place because I dislike the cold.

and im jealous of my dad for being back in Taiwan. and playing rugby with the people I used to play with. im only now realizing this but rugby has helped me quite a lot, what with running helping me release my stress. even though I hated going to rugby at first because I have poor hand-eye-feet coordination and I’m a slow runner and all the big guys were all… well, BIG. and because my dad got serious about it each time we played and I didn’t really want to play so seriously. but then I realized what a great sport it was and I couldn’t wait to go every weekend and I was disheartened when there was no rugby and the iasas season was so tough for me because I didn’t get to play, since I couldn’t get hurt. and I really wanted to play, back in Japan. but then I went to watch the practice and…. well, it didn’t look like the girls were having fun. and I was very disappointed by that, because I thought rugby was supposed to be fun.

a lot has happened and changed in the past two and a half years that I’ve been back in japan. my friends have definitely changed. out of the numerous people I was close to in sophomore year, I’m only close with a few of them. the way I think and the way I talk is different. i’ve befriended people who actually are willing to go through my mood swings and constant hyperventilation to really know me. all things added together, I have great friends who have saved me from a lot of things. I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past that I’m not proud of and I know I am solely responsible for the mistakes I made. my friends have only saved me from me trying to get away from my mistakes. I am indebted to my friends for the life I am living now.

okay, I am finished. I am satisfied with what I’ve written. I don’t have to spend sleepless nights trying to figure out where my insane thoughts are going to take me.