2012.

another year has come to an end.

january- beginning of the last semester with NTK48, and 17th birthday. busy with the peace trip prep.

february- more prep with the peace trip, thinking about uni and not looking forward to the end of the junior year.

march- a trip to okinawa, running around to make sure things were in order, going to tokyo and meeting up with old friends, and the tokyo sevens.

april- new school year, new friends, the same best friends.

may- adjusting to the different classmates, really thinking about uni and coming to good terms with people i previously weren't so fond of.

june- volleyball game, japanese culture day and prep for school festival.

july- summer! work for most of the summer, which i absolutely loved :) and applications.

august- JFK2012! and thailand :)

september- prep for the school festival, sports day, Aladdin & school festival.

october- applications & halloween!

november- applications and finals...

december- winter holidays! hanging out with friends :)

can't wait to see what 2013 will bring :D

choice.

i'm one step closer to my dream. there is no denying of that fact. and it's wonderful. this is something i've been wanting to do since grade 7. i've had my mind set on my future career since i was 14. and now i actually have the opportunity to make my dream come true. i had initially thought that was all i wanted, because once i was given the chance, all i had to do was take it and follow whatever path that lies ahead of the choice i make. 

looking back to two years ago, when things were at the lowest point for me, i couldn't wait to leave this country. i wanted to go somewhere far from here, a place where conformity wasn't the key to survival, a place in which uniqueness was the most valued characteristic in a person. i wanted to escape being forced to be the same as everyone else. almost every day, i felt like i was suffocating from the pressure of the society. two years ago, all i wanted was to be free. 

i am given the opportunity to be free now. and i should be jumping at the opportunity. so why am i sitting here, in my room, hesitating to take the chance? i had known it wasn't going to be easy, and i had known that the people who supported me through all of this, are the real friends i can count on. what i hadn't expected was the amount of support and comfort they provided, the warmth that engulfs me whenever i'm in their company. the feeling of guilt, disappointment and loneliness i get whenever they talk about their future, the one im not physically going to be involved in, is unbearable. 

i know i'm given a choice to do what i've been wanting to do for a long time. and i know i may never get another chance like this. and i know i won't waste this perfect opportunity. two years ago, i would've confidently said i was ready to leave this place as soon as possible. now, i'm just not so sure. and i can say this, because i know that no matter how much time, energy and thought i put into this, i know that, at the end of the day, my final decision is going to be what it's always been. but for now, please allow me to contemplate this matter. there's so much more to this than simply following my dream. there's so much more i need to do here, all the things i have been too much of a coward to do, and i don't even know if i'm allowed to leave here without tying up the numerous loose-ends that i need to fix. it's all of that, not to mention, the fact that this is also giving up what i've been building here, what i have built already and all of that seems too good to let go just yet. 

hypocrite.

why am i such a hypocrite.
it's like i tell someone to be courageous and tell people how they feel, when in fact, i am way too scared to do that myself.
it's not that i'm inconsiderate. i give advice to people, and i do so with careful thinking. i don't just blurt out random stuff like some people do when asked for some advice on certain things. so if i'm actually giving the matter lots and lots of deep thought and considering the different outcomes before actually suggesting to somebody that they should take certain actions, that just puts me to be a hypocrite.
or maybe i'm not as courageous and bold and outgoing and brave as everyone thinks i am.

and in relation to that, i really do think i need to be brave.
now that i've been officially admitted at a school abroad, i'm finally beginning to feel like there really is a time limit for me. obviously, i've only got half a year in this country. and three months left in high school. i might not even be in osaka after april, which means i've literally only got four months left. that's not enough time. even if i do what i want to do today, that only gives us six months at the longest. and three, at the shortest. so am i wrong to think that maybe it's better if we keep things the way it is now? what good would it do, to be honest and risk getting hurt, when if i step down quietly now, we can all graduate happily the way we are? what is the point in being honest, if i know there is the risk of ruining everything?

you can call me a chicken, a hypocrite, a disappointment, you can call me whatever you want. because no matter what anyone says, i'm not going to ruin what we have right now. this is actually one of the only times i've felt truly comfortable with the company i have, and i know i would be devastated if i ruin this perfect moment.

support.

at school today, i was given the chance to see, once again, how supported i am by teachers. some of them congratulated me, and it wasn't an out-of-courtesy congrats. it was genuine, thoughtful, excited and real.
it wasnt one of those banal congrats that had no meaning what-so-ever. it felt sincere and made me fuzzy inside.

relieved.

i don't know where else to let my emotions out.
i have never been more relieved in my life. and overwhelmed.
it was hard, the couple few months, arguing with my parents almost everyday and crying myself to sleep because i had no idea what i was doing or what i was supposed to do.
but i guess this is just one of those things that teach me that no effort is in vain.

still waiting to hear from more places, but at least i've got one. and it made me realise that that one certain email was definitely worth the hard work i went through in the past few months.