今の佳奈

千の夜を超えて by Aqua Timez


愛されたいでも愛そうとしない

その繰り返しのなかを彷徨って

僕が見つけた答えは一つ　怖くたって傷ついたって

好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ

あなたが僕を愛してるか愛してないか

なんてことは　もうどっちでもいいんだ

どんなに願い望もうが

この世界には変えられぬものが　沢山あるだろう

そうそして僕があなたを　愛してるという事実だけは

誰にも変えられぬ真実だから

千の夜をこえて　あなたに伝えたい

伝えなきゃならないことがある

愛されたいでも愛そうとしない

その繰り返しのなかを彷徨って

僕が見つけた答えは一つ　怖くたって傷ついたって

好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ

気持ちを言葉にするのは怖いよ　でも

好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ

この広い世界で巡り合う喜びを言葉じゃ言い表せないね

だから僕たちは微笑み

色鮮やかに過ぎる秋をドレミで唄って

冬を背に　春の木漏れ日を待ち

新しく生まれ変わる誰かを守れるようにと

来た道と行き先　振り返ればいつでも　臆病な目をしていた僕

向き合いたい　でも　素直になれない

まっすぐに相手を愛せない日々を

繰り返してはひとりぼっちを嫌がった

あの日の僕は　無傷なままで人を愛そうとしていた

千の夜をこえて　今あなたに会いに行こう

伝えなきゃならないことがある

愛されたいでも愛そうとしない　その繰り返しのなかを彷徨って

僕が見つけた答えは一つ　怖くたって傷付いたって

好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ

その想いが叶わなくたって　好きな人に好きって伝える

それはこの世界で一番素敵なことさ

Break.

things break all the time. glass, and dishes, and fingernails. Cars and contracts and potato chips. you can break a record, a horse, a dollar. you can break the ice. day breaks, waves break, voices break. chains can be broken. so can silence and fever. hearts and promises break too.

but it all gets fixed, or we get over the fact that it broke.

thats how strong human beings are.

thats how strong i want to be
at times like this.

no title.

jintian wo yao yong zhongwen xie yi ge blog post.
yinwei you de ren kan wo de blog, ranhou abuse it.
or not abuse it but yeah.
wo bu xihuan ta men.
i just dont get it
yinwei wo men mei shu guo hua
suoyi ta men zenme keneng zhidao wo?
and vice versa.

btwwww
thinking of changing my bloggg.
but idk when/what.

lost.

im losing myself. no jokes.
and im hoping being back in taiwan will bring me back.

i don't know if
who i am here is the real me
or
who i was back in taiwan is the real me.

im still trying to figure it all out.

this makes me sad.
people in japan just dont speak english.

sad truth

people change. and we've got to accept that. change is a part of who we are. changing makes us different from others. its what makes us unique.

i've changed. i can see that now. im more closed off, independent and somewhat more sane than i was before.

actually, the cause of me changing was the new environment.

back in taiwan, i used to be happy and playful all the time. maybe even a little brazen, depending on how you look at it.

but that was accepted in the comnunity i was in.
here, being even the slightest odd one out will bring you dirty talks from others.

i used to say i was afraid of change. but i know better now.

気持ち

もうそろそろ自分の気持ちはっきりせなアカンなっ :( いつまでもこーゆー気持ちでおったらいろんな人に迷惑かけるだけやし・・・

このままやったらまた中間テスト直前の二の舞やし :O
ほんまに中間テスト直前の二の舞てなったらヤバイからなっ
もうこれ以上成績おちるのは避けたいし

気持ちはっきりしたいねんけど・・・
どーしたらいいんかわからんねんなぁ

んー
このままじゃモヤモヤやし
お互いギクシャクするのもイヤやし

ふぁっく

やっぱり佳奈達は仲良くなるにはお互い
傲慢すぎで
自己ちゅーすぎで
気が強すぎで
自分優先で
話聞かないすぎで
相手の悪い所しか見えへんっていう

最悪やんなぁ

初めはめちゃくちゃ絡みたくて
二人とも
それなりに努力したり、妥協したりやったのに
今となれば
お互い諦めてる。

どーせまた新しい出会いはある
って思いながら。

でも実際そんなに新しい出会いとかってなくて、
気が付いたら１人で。
周りには誰もおらんくて。
そういう時にまた
お互いに近寄っていって…
何回も同じ事を繰り返す
っていうのが事実やねん。

それを佳奈達両方がもうちょい早く認めてたら
こんなにめんどくさい事にはならへんかったやろうし
みんなを巻き込まんくて良かったんかもしれん。

まぁお互い気楽にやって行こー

you :)

your comments make me smile.
seeing your name makes me smile.
hearing you makes me smile.
seeing you makes me smile.
hearing about you makes me smile.

you know what?
pretty much everything about you makes me smile.

i don't know what it is that im feeling.

but the feeling i get when i catch you looking my way
our somewhat mutual glances towards each other.
thats gotta count for something.
or maybe we're both too confident
maybe we're both wrong.
maybe our guilty glances are filled with hatred.
we just don't detect that tiny bit of hatred
because we're both too caught up in ourselves.

i like you.
i want us to be friends.

people say we have a lot in common.
and one of them, probably, is the fact that we're both okay with just looking
and not actually talking to each other.

but i guess if we're both okay with that
its fine.




on another note:
i was playing my guitar
for the first time in a while
and er
i was like playing from like 10 in the morning
to 5 in the afternoon
and errrr
i cut my finger :(
so my left index, middle and ring fingers are cut :O

ちょっとワガママかなっ？

週末ははCITI MEETでしたぁ
ゆうて佳奈が出てる訳じゃないねんけど

FACEBOOK見てたら
フリーリレー＋メドレーリレーの記録も破ってたみたいやし
みんな写真楽しそうに写ってるし
やっぱりTAS TIGERS and TIGERSHARKSは最高のチームやわぁ
佳奈も今年も出たかったなぁ
まぁ台湾におっても膝がアカンから出れてないねんけど

そこに一緒におって応援したかったなっ
とりあえずお疲れさん



ってこーやってまだ台湾におる気になって、
こーやって皆を応援して、何になるって言われたら別に何にもならへんってしか答えようがなくて
こーやって、いつまでも引っ越しした事を引きずってたら、そりゃ日本の生活楽しいって思わへんよなっ
いままで、日本の生活が楽しくないって思ってたのは、ほんまにつまんないからやって思ってたけど、よく考えたら、佳奈が全然努力してなかったからやんなっ



でも…不安になるねん、時々。
こーやって台湾の話せーへんかったら、どんどん台湾の事を忘れるような気がして。
チームの事を全部忘れるような気がして。

でも今の佳奈がおるのは、チームの皆がおったからであって、それを忘れるって事は自分を見失うって事で

気がついたら、こーやってどんどん不安になっていく自分がおる。

周りには誰もおらんくて、ずっと１人で引きずって。

自分でも何がしたいか分からんくなる

どーしたら良いんかなぁ

やっぱり全てが上手くいくように願うのはワガママなんかなっ？

all i know now.

i like you, thats all i really know.

i think there was a song with that as a part of their lyrics. idk for sure though.

anyways,
i dont know what i want us to be, or where i want to go from here. im perfectly okay with how we dont talk. im okay with the fact that i dont exist in your world.

then why are people trying to change that? it just makes things awkward for both of us.

because innocent glances become guilty, normal encounters turn into awkwardly wtf moments. and i dont want that.

is it selfish that i really like you sometimes and other times you just dont matter? do i have to make up my mind about how i feel towards you?
i dont know what you want from me. i keep hearing rumors about you and i try to ignore them because they are almost always biased.

but what does your look mean?

ah fuck this. i dont know what to do anymore.

CITI invitational

i got this inbox from brian. and he mentioned that the annual CITI meet is being held this weekend.

i cant believe its been a year since i participated in the citi meet 2009.

so i just sat there thinking about all of it.

i believe last years citi meet was a blast. people just hung out in the upper gym, and we were all so chilled despite being at the second biggest meet of the year.

i miss the queer photos, the cheering, the eating, and of course, the races themselves.

berlin, brian, eric, tove, jill, gabby, eri, william, rebecca, jacqueline, sammy, christine, gary, and iansilverstein：

i wont be there to cheer for you guys, and be a part of what seems like an amazing team this year, but know that i wish you all the best of luck and hope you guys have a great time.

all i want for christmas is you.

The earring, i got at clairs. it's a little early for christmas, but thats okay :)

the swimming photo is my current screensaver for my phone :) i love and miss my swim team and training.

good luck to the TAS tigers swimmers this weekend at the CITI invitational!

Two things.

well. it fucking bothers me when people call me by my last name. I feel like people are looking down on me when they do that. and I know it's normal in japan, but it just doesn't feel that way to me, because I'm not used to it.

I know it's a little weird for people to call a member of opposite sex by their first name, but that's what's natural for us. aaand peoples gotta accept that.

And if you are gonna fucking creep on me, do it openly. Don't try to hide that you're creeping. Because I will know, and when you try to do it secretly, it just makes me see you as a coward. Honestly, I don't mind people creeping on me. Just don't hide it.

最近いろいろあるなぁ〓

ってか日本に帰って来てから、落ち着いて何かした覚えがない〓

まぁ７月は帰って来て、東京行ってたから忙しかったし〓
８月は引っ越しがあって、補講が始まるから緊張してて〓
９月は学校始まって、短縮授業、体育祭、文化祭があって〓
１０月は中間テスト＆留学生で〓
１１月は今のところ、留学生＆期末テストで〓

１２月は期末テスト＆台湾＆東京＆正月のパーティーで〓

あー忙しい〓

this was last thursday.

the things i love.

you just don't understand.

I guess I should say sorry that I haven't thought about my future and everything. But truth be told, I spent the entire september trying to fit in at the school. And october on trying to figure out what to study for the mid terms. And then the exchange student, which you know bothered me to the extreme. And that was a week ago. And this week, I went to school on Monday, skipped on Tuesday cause I wasn’t fucking feeling well, school on wednesdsay but I was still sick and whatnot, and school on Thursday but I had the cookie hour shit. and then today.







So would you like to tell me when the fuck I had the time to fucking go see a teacher and talk about what I wanna do later on in my life.






You don't understand anything.


That's the basic idea. You don't understand what happens at school everyday, you don't see past my fake smiles, you don't hear the words im really trying to convey, you just don't understand.






Maybe you'll say that I'm supposed to tell you everything that goes on at school. You'll also say that maybe its my fault that you don’t understand because I don’t try to make you understand.






But the truth is, I don't tell you things because back in taiwan, when I tried to talk to you about friendship and whatnot, you didn't understand.


I had a problem. And I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to talk about it, not you. All I wanted was for someone to listen to my side of the story, rather than believe whatever they heard from other people. That was all I wanted. For you to just listen. But no, what you do instead is you take my story, tell it to other people, ask for THEIR fucking opinion, and tell me THAT.


You lost my trust then. I didn't want you telling me what others thought, or what you thought. I just needed you to sit there and let me do the talking.






After that, I stopped telling you things. You noticed that I've been distant. But you just blamed that on that thing called "being a teenager". You thought it was a phase I'd get over. And you think everythings okay now, because I don’t yell at you anymore. Or because we don't fight anymore or I tell you things that happen at school.






Now, here's what I really hope.


I hope that you notice, sooner or later, that it wasn't just a phase I was going through, that it wasn’t me being a teenager that brought this on, that the reason why I don’t yell at you or why we don’t fight, is because I try to keep it in, instead of letting it all out, and that the things I tell you about school really are things that aren’t so important to me.






and I hope you understand that. and stop fucking pretending like we’re okay, because I am quite annoyed at you. you just don’t know it. or maybe you do, you’re just in denial.






now, about my future.


I kinda know what I wanna do. I just don’t know enough to tell you yet. I haven’t done my research, I haven’t quite figured out what I wanna do, so if I tell you now, it won’t be complete and I didn’t want that.






the reason why I started crying when you were telling me things was that I just had a lot going on in my mind and I couldn’t hold it in. my emotions took over, rather than my ability to remain rational, and sometimes, that happens. I didn’t shed a tear this past month. and a lot has happened. I just couldn’t keep it inside me anymore and that thing you said about me not being able to think on my own, kinda triggered it.






so it’s been established that you don’t understand.


it’s also quite clear that maybe we need to stop trying to understand each other because that won’t happen.

im sorry, but this is the truth.

全てがダルい

なんかもう全てがどーでもよくなってきた。勉強、部活、人間関係。

どーでも良いってか、どーしたら良いんか分からんの方が正しいんかな…とにかく全てを完璧にしようと努力すんのが疲れてきた。

言葉は心を隠すためにあるんやったら、言葉なんかいらんって思えてきたのは佳奈だけかな？きれいごとばっかり言ってたら、いつか爆発するのはみんな分かってるやん。

あー、全てがダルい。どーしたら良いんやろ…

誰か助けて

questions.

im constantly asking myself questions.
what happened. how did it happen. why did it happen. when did it happen.
and i can never find the answers to my questions.
because there are no answers.

there are so many questions out there that can never be answered.
you just gotta know if the question you asked is one of those or not.

and you become smarter each time you ask a question.



on another note:
it's not often that i ask for people's email addresses so when i do, it means something.
i guess you didn't know that 'cause we don't know each other well enough to know things like this
but it would've been nice if you didn't go around telling people that i was easy
just because i asked for your ad.

i can't do this anymore.

we're always looking for that one thing that makes us feel alive. 


and we think we found that something so we're all happy and love life and everything.. 


but then that something is no longer there, and we think we can't live anymore


and we lose the desire to live. 


but the truth is, if that something was the right thing for us,  they wouldn't leave in the first place.


so if someone leaves you and you feel like you're breaking into little pieces,


know that there is always someone else that's thinking of you.


and that person, is the one person that'll be there for you at all times


no matter the time, place nor the situation.


it's just a matter of whether we're smart enough to notice who's there and who's not when you need someone the most.


and if we pay close attention to the people around us, we'll know. 


don't think that just because we've never talked, that doesn't mean i don't care about you.


i actually care about you a lot. you just don't know it.


and as i type this, you lose yourself more and more and you will eventually lose the wish to keep going.


and thats okay, because we all know we'll get through it all in the end.


it's the results that counts, not how we get there. 


as for now, i don't think i can do this anymore.


but i will get over it in the end.

i know.

i now realize that u r not over her. and i understand that. i sometimes still get that feeling too, and its been over almost a year. so im not gonna force you to do anything about it.

i know it takes time to get over people, and thats okay. because its a proof that you really cared about someone.

and that someone is really lucky to have someone like you care about her this much. she made a mistake when she let you go.

i also realized that even though i said ill listen if you need someone to talk to, the truth is that i dont know you that much, and i dont know your email address and we dont talk at school.

it hurts to see you post things like that, and it hurts even more to know that there isnt anything i can do to make you feel better.

im sorry.

みぃーつけた

見てるだけで癒される人見つけたぁ :)

あー、もうカッコよすぎる！！(笑)
lalalalalala

まぁどーせもう喋る機会ないやろうし
見てるだけでいいやぁ :D

今日は留学生達最後って事で、みんなで大学ツアーに行って大学のダンス部見ながら彼らと交流しててん。
いっぱい写真撮ったからfacebookにuploadしまーす！隼人せんぱいの携帯で撮った写真保存されてなかったらしい :( せっかく先輩も写ってたのに :(
まぁ留学生の誰かのカメラに残ってるかなっ

ではでは天満宮着いたからまた後で更新するわぁ

Kyoto

top row:

alexis, diane, typhanie, victoria, チャペル先輩, franklin, lance, sento

second row:

ayako, yishen, gabrielle, raphaelle, thomas, victor, miyu, kanako, eri, 春菜先輩

bottom row:

minami, nene, aurelien, yukari, はやと先輩

we really should talk in person

i think its really lame how we dont talk in person. i think its beyond lame that we only talk on facebook.

we need to not be so afraid of being judged by other people, and get over the fact that your friends are fucking immature about things like this.

i really want us to be friends. i like you. and you've caught me looking your way. and me you. and we both look away when our eyes meet. thats gotta count for something.

right, you wont read this since you dont even know that i have a blog. but thats okay, i just needed to get it out.

i cant play the cords for Puff the Magic Dragon. my fingers hurt so much. and i need to but my nails in order to play the guitar but idk where my nail clipper went.

パフのコードが弾かれへん…ってか指痛いし :( 爪切らなギターできひんけど、佳奈の爪切りどこ行ったか分からんし…

and its cold today, my knee hurts. i couldnt get out of my PE uniform today after class so im still in my jersey…im tired. i need sleep and advil or tylenol.

今日めっちゃ寒いから膝痛いよー:O 体育の後、ズボン脱がれへんかったからまだジャージのままやし…ダルい。ってか睡眠＋アドビルかタイラノール欲しい！

sakura maria pennington

november first!

my right knee hurts like a bitch.

people keep staring. but they dont have the guts to talk to me face to face.

my nails are painted halloween colours.

people are being really loud.

i didnt say rabbit rabbit rabbit this morning.

my right knee hurts.

class starts in two min.

i dont give a fuck anym ore.