what I want.
what I need.

nobody

nobody likes to lose their inner voice.
nobody knows what we all go through at noght.

but just maybe
we're all better off this way.

teaching.

i got an email from senri intl school letting me know that i am to attend the orientation being held on the 2nd of April. ill be working in the pool as an assisstant and the school itself is trying to increase the amount of swim classes they have in a year.
i guess its pretty interesting to be able to teach kids in english, especially swimmming 'cause that'll be like doing swimzone all over again. except i was a part of the waterkids for swimzone and i'll be teaching many different levels for this. i dont really know how things are gonna work for me but i hope that by doing this, ill find what i wanna do in the future :)

im hoping this'll be a good experience for me and that i am patient enough to go through it all.

imperfection.

its what we are all aiming for. nobody's perfect, which means we are all imperfect. we all wanna be perfect but thats not happening so we're technically aiming for imperfection.

it amazes me how we all expect a lot from others, when we ourselves, dont have what we are expecting of others. we know its not easy to meet peoples expectations and we've all been ley down by others. they say there'll be at least one person who'll never let you down, but as we get older, we learn new things and meet new people and we'll realize that no mayter what anyone says, people will let you down. it's a fact.

but accepting that "let down" of people and living past that, is what makes you stronger, the thing that makes you dofferent from others. hating on people is easier than forgiving them. but letting out that hatred, showing it in public, makes you pretty much he same as the ones that you are detesting. what's important is that no matter how much shit there is in your life, you accept that shit happens because its a part of life and youblet it go. dont let those thinga get to you. its not worth it.

off.

well, ive been off the blog for a while.

i got an iphone, which means ill be updating a lot more often than before.

going to kobe with hikaru tmrw :)

800th post.

i think this is the most appropriate picture for the 800th post　↓

sometimes.

absolute love.

hehehe

tough life.

it's not.

or blogger.

no offence.

and yet, i still use facebook so much.

killing spree.

starts now.


oh wait
not killing spree
blogging spree.


whatever.


starting now.


my march stats are going up.

love.

you’re in the middle of a hug, then all of a sudden when you’re like about to pull away they move their hand up your back and pull you in tighter.

BAHAHAHAHA

conversation.

him: go home. radioactivity. scary. just go. 
me: alright. that makes sense.
her: then kanako can go back. i'll stay with you. im not leaving you alone. 
him: if you stay and we get hit by an earthquake, she'll lose the both of us at once.
her: she'll have other people to rely on when she goes back. im not leaving you.


yep. that conversation nearly killed me.
it implies that she doesn't care if i lose two people i love the most at once.


another proof of the fact that im never good enough. 

what if.

the endless what-ifs are suffocating me.

i know its useless to think of all the what ifs and what could've been, would've been, but i can't help it.

it doesn't make me feel good or anything

it actually takes me to a dark place when i think of the things that could've been.

but it still calms me down to know that there were other possibilities.

you know, like i was given a choice

and i choose the wrong one but it was my choice so theres no use mourning over it type of thing?

its kind of a relief. to know that things are going like this because i choose it.

but even then, even with knowing that i could've done things differently, 

it still hurts to look back on things.

sometimes, a song i hear in the stores, words i hear people say randomly, or the scent that's still remaining that i get a whiff of,

those things remind me of the good and the bad.

its at times like this, that they're the worst.

i play our conversations back in my head, letting your words sink deep into my brains.

im afraid of forgetting your words, the feel of your hand on the small of my back. 

to be precise, im afraid of forgetting that you ever existed in my life. 

haters.

Even if I had a pocket full of fucks, I still wouldn't give you one.

Thank you Johnny Depp.

just because.

even then.

but even then 

perfection imperfection.

Society’s standards are fucked. If you’re reserved and quiet, you’re emo. If you’re open and expressive, you’re attention hungry. If you’re a virgin by 16, you’re doing something wrong. If you lose it by 16, you’re a whore. If you don’t compliment yourself, you’re begging for compliments. If you do compliment yourself, you’re full of yourself. If you’re unique, you’re weird. If you’re “normal,” you’re boring. It’s hard to find yourself in a world so centered around perfection, when in reality imperfection is what defines us.

i am.

im not a bitch.


i just have low tolerance for bullshit. 

earthquake.

im concerned for everyone that has been hurt/killed by the earthquake and its aftermaths. so many people have died, so many still unknown of their whereabouts. Currently, 11:25am, there's said to be about 1200 people dead and/or missing reported. 

Even the ones who have gotten away from the worst of it, the ones who are still alive, are still suffering. they don't have enough heaters, water and food, or shelter. And electricity in some places are down. and the highway, bullet train, the normal MRTs aren't fully working. 

Because the earthquake originated in the northern part of Japan, people are freezing up north. It's still snowing there, even though it's March already, and their houses have been stripped away by the tsunamis. 

Because the earthquake occurred at 2.45pm, some children haven't been able to meet their parents. It hurts me to think about how those little kids are feeling right now. 

It was devastating to watch the videos of the tsunamis, and houses, cars & ships get destroyed. 

It's good to hear that the United States & Germany, Korea, and New Zealand government are sending help if needed. 

I hope, when all the chaos dies down, that there will be things we can do to help. 

things to write about.

Your Best Friends:
my best friends are mainly the people i've known since like, grade 6. they've always been there for me, and i try to be there for them as much as i can. we don't all live in the same country anymore, but im pretty sure if i needed someone to turn to, they'll be the first ones i'd call. or text. or inbox. whatever. Tove is the friend i can always have fun with, but also be serious if needed. Derrick is the one that can make me smile, no matter what. Peyton's the wise one, with all the intelligent advice and the insight. Buii is the psychologist, who just listens to my ranting about things. Patrick and Micah are the ones that live far away but i still care for them deeply. Cow is the one i have deep talks with, the one that's not afraid to show a little bit of pain. 




Your Crush:
ah, he ended up disappointing me. enough said. 




Your sibling (or closest relative):
would be my cousins. even though we are of different age, i love hanging out with them. i can always have fun playing cards with them, or like just chillin' on the couch and watching random TV shows :) 




Your dreams:
dreams as in the ones i get when i sleep? well, those are usually just a reminder of what my life looks like compared to what i thought it would be like, before i moved here. 
dreams as in what i want to do in the future? that's still undecided, but i do hope i can use english/mandarin/japanese to help other people. 




A stranger:
i love strangers. they don't know me, so they don't judge. they accept you for who you are, and you accept them for who they are.




Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush:
it's andrews birthday today - ex boyfriend.
i havent talked to derrick in a while - another ex boyfriend.
those two are worth mentioning by names. 
the other ex-boyfriends and crush and whatnot, aren't even worth thinking about.
:)




Your favorite internet friend:
ehhh. probably yusuke :) i love you hon!




Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to:
peyton! i need your advice on a couple of things. or i just need to talk to you for a bit. 
derrick! i miss your silliness.
cow! WHERE'D YOU GO. I MISS YOU SO. 




The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain:
if you know me, you know who that person would be. 




Someone you wish could forgive you:
im sorry. i don't think my apologies mean anything to you, but i don't want us to go for another two years without me actually apologizing.




Someone you’ve drifted away from:
that'll be a lot of people from Taiwan. and TAS. and TJS. and probably I met during IASAS. 




The person you miss the most:
Derrick. I saw a lot of people when i visited Taiwan in December. but Derrick? he wasn't there :( i miss you so much Terence




Someone that’s not in your state/country:
everyone i love is out of the country.




Someone from your childhood:
im starting to talk to them again, or like, get in touch with them :) 




Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad:
you have no idea how much he pesters my mind. it drives me crazy.




The one that broke your heart the hardest:
you know who this is, if you really knew me :) 




Someone you judged by their first impression:
TWD. and i was right about it.




The person that gave you your favorite memory:
<3




Someone that changed your life:
i met a lot of people that changed my perspective on things. and i appreciate them all for all they've done for me, and they are the reasons why i am who i am now :) 




The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to:
:((

its okay to be afraid.

No matter how carefully I choose my words, it always ends up getting twisted and misunderstood. 


People tell me to be myself, and then they judge me.


I feel like I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen.


Stop fucking with people's feelings, just because you're unsure of yours.

無事高1終わりました！なんかあっけなく終わったわ。

だからまぁ一種のけじめとして、何人か削除させてもらいました。なんかあんなにあの人達に振り回されてる自分がアホらしくなってきて・・・facebook, mixi と両方何人かの縁を切っちゃいました。また自分の事中心で行動しちゃった :( でももうあの人達に振り回されたくない。 or more like, they arent worth it 的な？ no offense.


確かにちょっとは後悔してるし、切なくなったりしてるけど、ちゃんとけじめつけな自分を見失っていくのが分かるから、そこは・・・
相手には迷惑かからへんから、別にええよな。

especially with you in my life.

i get extremely paranoid when im happy, because i know something wrong is going to happen. 

mmmm

it felt good to delete some people from facebook and all that :) 

you take advantage of this.