i am honestly done blogging for the night
im actually gonna log off
and chill in my room.

text/call if you need me.

byeeeeeee.

i expect so much from one person

and end up being disappointed all the time.

yeah, i just felt like typing in big letters. 

i wish you knew that.

at the same time

away from you.

yeeeh, basically me everyday.

honestly, i dont know how long it's gonna take me
but i will.
i am, in fact, trying to achieve that goal
you make it so hard, but im trying.
so yes, eventually,

because i didn't think it was possible
until i met you.

to... well, basically eveyone.

i'd like to know.

random compilation of things.

the eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. 




there are so many things i miss.
you said you would never leave. 
liar.




i wish people could just understand
and not ask me random ass questions
and expect me to answer all of them.




are you happy without me? 
if you are, then i guess that's fine.




you never gave me a reason to come back. i was always there when you needed me but i guess you never showed how important i am in your life. it's now... your turn to miss me. 




i cant write a song like you do. and i dont have any thoughts that i could put into words. because once its out of my mouth, it becomes meaningless. but you would understand. even if i don't use fancy words. you always do.




love is a cycle. when you love, you get hurt. when you get hurt, you hate. when you hate, you try to forget. when you try to forget, you start missing. and when you start missing, you eventually fall in love again. except smart people don't fall in love with the same person like we all do.




im not telling you it's gonna be easy. im telling you it's gonna be worth it. 




so many "what ifs"
what if we never let go of each other?
what if i never said those words?
what if you never asked me that question?
what if..
ugh. im just gonna stop now.




same shit, different day. 
"THE BEST THING ABOUT A PICTURE IS THAT IT NEVER CHANGES EVEN WHEN THE PEOPLE IN IT DO."






oh and dont fucking tell me who i am or who im supposed to be
because i dont give a flying fuck. i have a month left in taiwan, i can do whatever the fuck i want. 

"how have you been?" seriously? after all you've put me through, you have enough guts to ask me that. un-fucking-believable. i used to think i was messed up, but i guess there are people worse than me. that realization should've..... well, made me feel better. but it didn't. 

i was reading my friend's blog. and he's been going on and on about how he likes this girl but she doesnt like him and they're best friends. and i told him my favourite quote from Bob Marley: Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." 

One minute, you convince yourself that you are so far up a hill, you can't see the bottom anymore, and the next, it's covered with black ice, and you're falling fast.

the wicked witch of the west

is a witch.
from the west.
shes wicked.


technically, she should be called
the wicked witch of the east
what with her being asian and all.
but whatever.
she could be called
the jealous bitch
but you know.
the wicked witch of the west
sounds better.


time for asian studies exam.


cheers :)

exams start tomorrow!

i cant remember any of the chinese names. 

they honestly sound all the same to me.

on a separate note:

i played rugby yesterday

in the rain

:)

i was soaking wet

but nobody told me to get out of the rain.

:D

on an... another separate note:

my dad really needs to find out where hes moving to.

and idk whats going on with my new school, when im supposed to go for the orientation thingy.

on a very very separate note:

what i wrote to you last friday, i really do mean it. 

okay, that's it for now :)

gonna go take a bubble bath. then repaint my nails. and then read for a bit.

call/text if you need me.

i'm going to gaoxiong this weekend
and im getting ready for it now
and i needed a book
and i realized that nickyeh gave me a book as my going-away present

House Rules by Jodi Picoult.

its such a good book. i love it.

last day

today is officially the last day of my life at TAS.

and heres the words to the song "empty" by the Click Five. 

Tried to take a picture 
Of love 
Didn't think I'd miss her 
That much 
I want to fill this new frame 
But its empty 

Tried to write a letter 
In ink 
Its been getting better 
I think 
I got a piece of paper 
But its empty 
Its empty 

Maybe we're trying 
Trying too hard 
Maybe we're torn apart 
Maybe the timing 
Is beating our hearts 
We're empty 

And I've even wondered 
If we 
Should be getting under 
These sheets 
We could lie in this bed 
But its empty 
Its empty 

Maybe we're trying 
Trying too hard 
Maybe we're torn apart 
Maybe the timing 
Is beating our hearts 
We're empty 

Oh oh 
Oh oh 
Oooooh 
Oh oh 
Oh oh 

Maybe we're trying 
Trying too hard 
Maybe we're torn apart 
Maybe the timing 
Is beating our hearts 
We're empty 

We're empty 
We're empty 

Or will we end up getting hurt 
Is this love a myth 
So tell me are you in for this 
There's so much more than we can see 
More than you 
More than me 
It takes two to believe! 

Maybe it's our first mistake 
And baby that's alright 
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight 
Maybe it's our first mistake 
And baby that's alright 
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight 
There's a reason why they say that we should give it time 
But time is not enough 
And that's the reason why when you're young you fall in love 

And that's the reason why 
When you're young you fall in love

Journalism Party tomorrow

im making brownies tonight :)

but i dont know when im gonna bake it

'cause i have swimming & tutor.

and i need to get ready for Gaoxiong

cause im leaving after school tomorrow.

oh welll

im currently watching Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle.

its quite entertaining. 

ms.conway used the word nostalgia today

and it just showed up in the movie.

what a coincidence. 

im done painting my nails now :) 

they're somewhat pretty and bright

so that kinda makes me happy 

but theres too much drama 

which reminds me

i need to reply to brians inbox

which im gonna go do as soon as im done with this post.

but anywho

i finished derricks page

so that just leaves

peytons page

and brian & eric & williams yearbook

and ill get peytons yearbook tomorrow so i can finish tmrw night and friday

and derrick just told me that he wrote a draft for my page

so im gonna give mine to him tomorrow

once i get it back from brian.

anywho, time to reply to inboxes & study... a little bit. 

OH and i deactivated my formspring, at least until the exams are over. 

its too distracting and disturbing.

i feel... like i have strong self - control.

:)

ericlin gave these to me and im currently painting my nails with them. im using the pink one 'cause i like pink right now, at this moment but it isnt too bright and pop, its sort of dark and its a really nice colour. 

thanks, eric :)

   

Bob Marley

 Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."

harrypotter for the win. 

don't we all. 

why the fuck are you sitcking ur little nosy head in every situation
It’s not that interesting 
For fucks sake, shut ur fucking mouths for once and learn that what your doing affects other people 
Fuckin liars 
Blamers
Rumor starters
And the fuckin bystanders who find every little thing so exciting
and they just want to be something

im growing...

so close to some people and farther away from others.

part of me likes it while the other half doesn't.

it feels like it is the start of something new, it really does.

totally a high school musical moment, i know.

it really does feel that way though, i'm quite enjoying it.

i feel quite guilty for feeling the feels i feel though, i'm not quite sure why.

i just do.

i miss holding your hand.

i miss kissing you before practice. 

i miss hugging you.

i miss laughing with you.

i miss being with you.

i miss everything about you.
and somehow
when i like you
you dont like me.
and when you like me
im obsessing over someone else.
it never worked out.
until now.

i cant promise you anything
i might let you down
but i want you.

people keep telling me
that you're only gonna hurt me again
but i know
im willing to risk it.

nightmarket

with tove & kira & steph

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU VERY VERY MUCHHH

:)))))


STOP BEING A DICKHEAD
WHY ARE YOU BEING A DICKHEAD FOR
STOP FUCKING UP SITUATIONS
AND START ACTING LIKE A VAGINA.
- kira.

DONT DO IT. MY TAMPONS GONNA FALL OUT.

they make me happy.
tove, steph & kira.
im gonna miss it.

:)))))))

us.

and i lose.

YEARBOOK

i need to keep track of who need to sign my yearbook
done

so heres a list.

people:

Derrick

Peyton

Buii

Steph

Kira
Kim
Creager

swimmers:

Tove

Berlin

Brian

William - halfway :P

Eric

Andrew

a while ago, i had some time to think about all the things that's happened during my freshmen year. and i guess i need to figure out a few things. and yeah. and my blog just seemed like a good place because this is my place and nobody really reads my blog anyways and yeeeeeeeeah. unless you're some creepy creeper.

anywho, pros & cons. and i know my cons list seems pretty short, but each one of it is worth like 3 pros and yeeeeeah.

pros:

halloween! 

IASAS vball & XC 

that talk with peyton after XC race

Derrick

being closer to certain people that i honestly love right now.

citi invitational meet

FROLIC!

bonding #1

pre- I

bonding afterwards! 

birthday!

IASAS

MOS burger

HOT DOG STAND.

last bonding

MANTAS

awesome party w/ the people i love the most :)

sleepover after that.

Awards Banquet

SWIMZONE

yearbook

more to come later, hopefully.

cons:

letting people go. just people in general. more than one person. people. 

IASAS during. god, she really pisses me off like insane. 

ATB and everything after that. 

MANTAS and during that. 

MAY 7TH and after. 

er parents.

the fucking wicked witch of the west.

formspring and its weird creepy people & their questions.

people & i drifting apart because i stopped caring about them.

and people i care about are breaking apart. and i cant be there for them anymore.

random nails chipping. 

so that adds up to like more cons than pros and yeeeeah.

ohhhhhh well

it was nice to finally have some time to think about things that happened, 'cause things like this is really confusing for me and i needed to be able to think about it and i just did it and so my thought isn't so a;lks jf;laks jf;a right now anymore, but it still is because i dont really know what im supposed to do now because theres nothing i can do to help the people i wanna help because its really not my problem anymore, or so people say and yeah. 

i wish.

i know that we don't have much time left.
and i also know that i want you.
we might end up hurting each other again.
but i'm willing to risk it.
please?

90210

is addicting.









just like you.

it's a swimmer thing.

i guess it's one of those things that normal people wouldn't understand. you have to be a part of it, and you have to accept that you're a part of the crazy group of people. or maybe, we've all been desensitized by each other's weirdness, what with the amount of time we spend together. i guess we don't notice each little weird things that we do anymore. we're all too used to our creepy weirdness. i think.

friday night - saturday morning

things i realized:

1. i love swimming, not only because of the people, but i love swimming itself.

2. i love my team mates. or most of, at least. 

3. they're my closest friends right now. end of discussion.

4. swimmers enjoy pain. as odd as it is, we enjoy pain, we really do. 

5. we kinda suck at baking. 

6. guys can't be hot if they're over the age of 25. hence the movie, "My Best Friend's Girl"

7. i love the 6 people that were there on friday night. 

let's elaborate more now:

1. i say i hate swimming, and that the only reason why i go there is to see people. the truth is, however, its not only because of the people, i do like swimming. it's what makes me who i am. 

2. i love most of my team mates. we support each other. and we sometimes have love - hate type of relationship. but in the end, we are always there for each other. 

3. honestly, i didnt realize i was this close to the swimmers until... well, until like three weeks ago. but once i found out that i was leaving, i realized that i'd rather spend time with the swimmers than spend time with other people. i know who my real friends are now, its the end of fucking discussion. 

4. yeah, i do enjoy pain.  i mean, we wont go through all the swim practice and the pain if we didn't like it. its complicated. i dont even understand why. but we do.

5. our brownie was kinda fail. there wasnt enough sugar and chocolate so it was basically tasteless. 

6. yeah, the guy from my best friend's girl. gross.

7.  tove bjork. berlin cheng. brian tong. william cheng. ian silverstein. eric lin. the best people on the face of earth, they're really important to me. and they know it :) and i loved spending time with them on friday + saturday, even though it got a little late on friday night. it was fun. i miss all of us being together already. it's never gonna happen again. 

im gonna miss this so much when i go back. i don't even wanna think about it. 

formspring.

i was on formspring : http://www.formspring.me/kana95121

i was asked this one question:

what's swimming to you?

and it made me think. I know I complain about having to swim all the time. But the truth is, swimming, it’s one thing that i can be proud of, i know im not the best at the school, not anywhere close, but it’s still something i put my time into. and it takes my mind off things, so it’s good that i swim because if i dont, i'll be spontaneously combusting every day. and its where i find people who have heard me complain, bitch and yell about random shit, and have also seen me at my worst, but they still won't judge me. and they happen to be my closest friends right now. thats what swimming is to me.

And with that realization came with one tiny problem. How am i gonna keep swimming when i go back to japan? And i cant figure out the answer to that question. Because i don’t know what is like in japan, and i don’t know where im gonna live, which implies that i have no idea where things are. I don’t even know where the closest swimming pool is.

It makes me not wanna move anymore.

and a quick shoutout to all the varsity swimmers this year + the tigersharks swimmers:

thanks for everything && putting up with my major every day PMS for the past four years :)

no lie.

he said i should just let you go.
i told him it wasn't that easy.
he didn't understand.

you.

okay, not just anyone.
you.

liar.

Sometimes when I say “I’m okay” I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me, and say, “I know you’re not.”

problems.

hey you.

Question of the day:

> do i know what i'm doing?

now, i ask myself this every fucking day and i get the same answer.

no.

i dont know what im doing.

but thats fine

because i was hoping you could help me figure it out.

and this is what we used to be. 

i was happy with you

but you left.

im sorry.

come back?

a good question.

still havent figured out the answer yet.

like i tell you everyday.

memorize it?