you are...

Someone that changed my life. and at the same time, you're the person that i want tell everything to, but im too afraid to do that. i know, for a fact, that you judge people by what they say and what they do. 

thats all.

i can't

stand to look at our photos.

our videos and our inboxes.

they all bring back memories.

the ones i want to forget.

when did it become fashionable to be "unhappy"?

Recently, i've noticed that people "pretend" like they have problems so others will ask how they're doing and they get to be the centre of our talks during lunch. i thought about this, and i guess now i consider this to be a great way for attention seeking, at least for a short period of time. but people always find out if you make things up. so in the long run, seeking attention from others for your so-called problems which doesn't exist, doesn't really do you any good. and also, its really obvious when you're making it up, because, and maybe its just me, but you don't tell everyone at your lunch table, and anyone else who'll listen, what you're going  through if you really are going through a tough time. 


i know it gets you lots and lots of attention, this "making up problems" business. but it doesn't really get you anywhere, and i personally think it's a waste of time. and again, its just a personal opinion, but i think it's better to be happy and have people around because its fun to be around you, than you having people listen to your fake stories about being hurt. or being depressed or whatever.

imissyou.

Top 10 memories of '09-'10

There really are some curious people on formspring, who ask random questions like this:

Top 10 memories from 2009 - 2010 school year?

obviously, i didn’t see anything sexual with that question, so i went ahead and answered.

1. IASAS2010 in Singapore

2. citi meet!

3. MANTAS

4. may 7th

5. hot dog stand

6. water park w/ brian, berlin & andrew

7. MOS burger

8. all the bondings

9. frolic

10. november 18th 2009 - december 10th 2009 ♥

then a few hours later, a question regarding my answer was asked. it went something along the lines of the typical “justify your answer” thing you get in one of those annoying English reading comprehension quizzes. anyways, so someone asked me to “justify my answer” on my top 10 memories of ’09-’10. so here it goes.

1. IASAS2010 in Singapore

i spent the majority of the ’09-’10 school year training my butt off for this. and in the process of “working my butt off”, i met new people, people i never thought i’d be friends with. and i found out new things about people i’ve known for a while. and i’ve definitely gotten closer to some of them.  yes, it may sound cliché, but suffering through all that hardcore training did bring us closer. and this might make me sound crazy, but i actually enjoyed all the pain and the constant wave of tiredness and hunger hitting me in class due to the lack of sleep and breakfast from the morning practices, all because i knew i wasn’t suffering it alone. it was the first time i honestly wanted something, to get a medal for 200m backstroke and to get a PB for it, and i achieved my goal.

In addition to me successfully achieving my goal and enjoying the process to get there, there was the actual 5 day period at the end of January 2010, where we all got to show what we’ve been working for and how much we’ve worked to get to where we desperately wanted to get to. and I had the privilege to witness and be a part of all the little bits and pieces of idiocy displayed within that 5 days. and I enjoyed it so much.  I honestly loved being a part of the TAS varsity swimming team,  and I know that the people I met during the season and at IASAS are the people I’ll always be close to, people who’s seen me at my worst and not judge me for all the wrong that I’ve done.

I have never wanted to be a part of something, never wanted to achieve a goal, this much. and to me, IASAS 2010 and all the things leading up to it is the thing that made me realize who I wanted to keep close to, who my real friends are, and what makes me who I am now.

2. citi meet!

Similar to IASAS, but this came in second, not first ‘cause this basically was a part of the whole IASAS season.  but it was different this year. I’ve been participating in the annual citi invitational swim meet since 2005. but it was different this year. ­­­­­this was the first year that I was a part of the varsity team, not TAS tigersharks.  but that’s the only difference. or so I thought before the thing actually started. then I found myself cheering for people I barely knew, like Rebecca and Jacqueline. or Rhianne and Sandy, in addition to the usuals like berlin, brian, eric, ian, William etc. so the citi meet 2009 contributed to me finding my true friends and who I am right now.

not to mention the fact that I had a fuckload of fun and good laughs during this two day swim meet, despite the fact that we were in the Upper Gym at 5 in the morning, and we were there until 7 in the evening.

3. MANTAS

I don’t actually remember MANTAS being this fun in the past. but this year, not many people went so it was peaceful, and I got to know a couple of great people better than before and it was all fun. Going out for dinner saturday night, crashing into the guys’ room and pigging out, watching basketball & soccer games +  watching cartoon network until 3 in the morning even though we had to get up at 7 and had races the next day, and nobody listening to our 24/7 PMS coach on sunday. oh, and of course I can’t forget all the sexual jokes we’ve made during that :) and the weekend before, when we went to that cold-ass pool.  all good memories. I know I had my little crisis before MANTAS, with the dilemma about whether I was gonna go or not, and it sucked that I had to come back on an earlier flight, but it was still pretty damn fun.

4. may 7th

basically, may 7th was the only time when all 7 of us (me, tove, berlin, brian, eric, ian and william) were able get together and spend some time together. and I now realize that these 6 people are the people that I absolutely love no matter what, and that I want to keep them close to me. and it got really late that night, and we slept over, not all of us, just some, and it was uncomfortable having 3 people sleep in a same bed, but it was still really fun.

5. hot dog stand

spring fair! and hot dog stand! selling all the hot dogs + grilled chicken was fun, and the process of getting ready to sell them at 8.30 in the morning, was also exciting. and our awkward photo, which turned out to be… well, pretty good. and eating the grilled chicken, which we were supposed to buy, not just eat, was delicious, and I learned that swimmers kinda suck at tying strings together :P

6. water park w/ brian, berlin & andrew

summer ’10. we were severely sunburnt, severely tired from the UFO ride, and severely surprised by how much the lockers cost us, but it was really entertaining. we discovered that if two of the heavier people out of the four sit on the opposite side during the UFO ride, then there’s more possibility of the boat thingy flipping over. and our adventures in the lazy river, was totally amazing. we spent about 45 minutes in that pool, just going around in circles and flipping over every once in a while, plus freaking out when people splashed us with cold water.

7. MOS burger

YEEEAH MOS BURGER. and our weird photos, where we all looked like shit cause it really was just bad timing and talking about hot Swedish guys :) it was all a lot of fun, especially ‘cause we weren’t under the eyes of LP, who would be telling us to get the fuck out of MOS burger cause it was unhealthy and because brian and I were going to MANTAS in three weeks. but it was all good, us randomly pigging out on food.

8. all the bondings

bondings. yes. started with the swim teams traditional bowling alley and then off to Momo paradise for dinner. then after pre-I, at jonchen’s house where we watched Pineapple Express. and then the last bonding at Alex’s house, and we watched Oceans Eleven plus the beginning of…. The Dark Knight. and then we listened to LP’s speech and then kuhlkes but nobody listened to the latter one. and then we went downtown for… well, ATB and then that little crisis with my parents. but other than that, it was where we all got to hang out with each other, and I have to say, I didn’t think I’d enjoy being around swimmers this much. but I did. it was really really memorable.

9. frolic

frolic 2009!  it would’ve been so boring without all the crying & laughing & photos ;) so thanks to all of you out there who made it pretty fun for me :D and the dancing. crazy dancing. but I learned that peyton is a pretty good dancer, and derrick doesn’t like to dance. and we had a little bit of fun at the end stealing people from their dates. yeah, that might make us sound like total bitches but eh, we had fun so whatever.

10. november 18th 2009 - december 10th 2009 ♥

this was the time when I felt like I belonged somewhere. and it didn’t work out so well but it was worth it. and it made me realize how important this person was to me.

crying.

I don’t do much of it. so I was genuinely surprised when I felt tears making their way down my cheeks while reading something my friend had written for me, like a good bye note. and I felt the need to thank him, to tell him how much I appreciate all that he’s done for me, so I’m using this space here to do so, since I don’t see him, until December at least. and this might not really make sense because I’m just putting my miscellaneous thoughts down, but I know he’ll understand it the way he always does.

Anyways, what surprised me more was the fact that he’s actually never told me, in words, half the things he wrote about, and yet I knew he felt that way. and I realized that I used to think that he told me in person that he worried about me. then it hit me. he’s never said it out loud. his actions were what made me realize that he was worried. whenever I tell him what’s going on, he gets this look on his face, like he was feeling what I was feeling: sadness, pain, regret, confusion, all of it.

anywho, after I read what he wrote, I took some time to think about it. and I don’t know where to keep it, so I’m just gonna post it as a part of my blog. anyways, here it goes:

thanks for saying that im perfect, and that what my bitchy ass editor says doenst matter. and it’s true, what she says honestly doesn’t matter to me anymore. so thank you, for helping me realize that. and thanks, also, for always worrying about me, even if that worry turned out to be unnecessary. I learned that, just like you did, I can, in fact take care of myself, I just needed someone to show me that. so from now on, I’ll think of the whole situation w/ TSP as the thing that helped me realize how independent I can be, something I’ve never realized before. and now that I know it, I don’t have to rely on people as much, and get annoyed at them when they can’t do what I asked them to do. now, I know that I can do all sorts of things myself.

And I’m not always there for everyone. only for people who I truly care about, and you and terence fall under that category, which is why i wanted to stop terence from doing the “unquestionable things” you mentioned. and im selfish. I help people when I want to, and I stop when it gets too much for me to deal with. but despite that, im glad you thought I was unselfish and that I was a “good person” for trying to help people.

but, yes, I will try to be more selfish than what you see me as. and I know who I really should care about now, so I won’t hurt myself over someone that’s not worth getting hurt for. and you’ve helped me realize who the people are, and you, definitely are one of them.

i owe you so much, I’ll try to make it up to you but I don’t really know how to yet. so right now, let me just say that I’ll be here for you whenever you need me, no matter where I am or what time it is.

I love you mitch. and I highly doubt you’ll ever read this. but that’s okay, as long as this post remains on my blog, there is a slight possibility that you’ll come across this, or someone might read it and tell you about it, and when you do, you’ll know how much I truly appreciate all you’ve done for me.

I recently learned something about myself. For a lot of us, when life gets hard to deal with & keep up with, it becomes easier to give up on & let go of. I found myself doing that a lot and I was slowly falling apart. But I woke up from it. I realized I wasn’t happy settling for less or letting myself become someone I wasn’t supposed to be, due to laziness. I had to breakthrough my fears, my insecurities and myself doubt. There are so many battles that we all have to go through in life that are for us to learn from, we grow stronger from them. I just learned this. I want to remind myself that I have to breakthrough all the little things I tell myself I can’t do because I’m scared, and just step down and do them. It’s about becoming the person I want to be, having will power and letting nothing hold me back. So for all of you out there, try not to let great things pass you by, start making things happen that you really want in life. 

どこまでも続く長い旅で終わりなんてあるわけないと決めつけかけてた。このままでいいやなんて思っていた。でも、結局変えられるのって自分しかいないんだって気がついた。で、気がつけばいつも誰かに支えられ、ここまで歩いてきたんだよって言うのも分かった。だから今度は自分が誰かを支えられるように。いつも不安だし、どうしたらいいか分かんない時だって少なくない。でも、どれだけ寂しくっても前に進んでいたら悪いことは起こらない。今まで、ずっと涙が枯れることはなくて、こんな姿ばっかり見させて本当にごめんね。

waterpark

waterpark tomorrow w/ berlin & brian & andrew :)

Day 3

I love my parents. They’re the reason why im here today, and I thank them for that. I know I get annoyed at them every once in a while, but that’s normal. Im a teenager, they’re my parents. What more can I say.

One thing I do with my dad, is that we play rugby every Saturday. He has been playing for 25 years now and I am nowhere near being as good as him, but I still do take his flags every once in a while. And he misses mine sometimes. And I love playing with him ‘cause I learn new techniques and we talk about it for hours afterwards. I love you daddy!

A thing I do with my mum is that we got her mando classes when I don’t have school, like PD days. And on the way, she’d tell me many things that happened that previous week or whatever, ‘cause that’s about the only time we have time to talk about deep stuff, and I really appreciate it. I know we don’t always get along, but I do love you, mum.  

Day 2

Over the past 5 years, I’ve had, well, more than many crushes. Some of them turned out to be more than a one-way crush, while others, I kept to myself. And I now know that “keeping it to myself”, which is what seemed to be the good idea at the time, eventually morphs and turns itself into “one of my regrets”. I wish I’d learned that earlier, cause now that its time for me to leave, I feel like there are so many things I needed to tell people but didn’t. and I regret that so much.

So that’s my crush story right there. Maybe whoever wrote the themes for each post wanted to know more about my own crush and their stories, but I’ve decided that I wont mention anyone specifically. And that I’d just explain the consequences of having crushes and not telling them about it.

this is unbelievable.

another formspring question:

swimming memories: citi meet, pre-i, iasas, bondings, hot dog && may 7th. nonswimming memories: errr our lunches. theres a massive difference in the way you respond and your response. admit it your swimmer friends are more important than us. explain.

yes, i have noticed that theres a massive difference in the answer. and that's because swimming memories happen with all the swimmers, whereas nonswimming memories, i would have to specifically mention names and our moments, and i honestly cannot be bothered to name all of them. so i just categorized it as "our lunches". 

i apologize if my response made anyone feel bad, i truly am sorry. 

and i do admit that i didnt realize my "swimmer friends" were this important to me, until this year. but they are, just as important as my best friends at school, not any more or less.

im sorry, i dont know if this is the answer you wanted to hear, but its the truth. i love my best friends, and you know who you are, just as much as i love my swimmer friends.

my best friends

tovebjork, derrickmoore, peytonharris, kevinbuii, briantong, berlincheng, ericlin, andiecreager, stephyang, kimmiipelissier, springcow, micahsindelar, ryanpatrickmcdougal.


easy. 

30 day posts.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

 i felt like i was trapped in one of those terrifying nightmares, the ones where you have to run, run till your lungs burst, but you can't make your body move fast enough. but time passes. even when it seems impossible. even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. even for me.   Time passes and i woke up. My cheeks were wet, but it wasn’t from sadness. I was so happy, in my dream. Until i started running down the endless road, looking for the finish point.

Three years later, i finally found the finish point; here. It’s been here all along, i was just too busy searching for it elsewhere that i didn’t notice what was right in front of me.

What i was looking for, was a place where i felt safe and sound, where i knew nothing could get me. Then i realized that there wasnt a certain place where i felt safe, it all depended on who i was around.

Wherever you are, i feel safe. When you’re not around, i feel like im going to break into little pieces.but i guess people adapt to new environments quickly. I got used to your absence, i learned to cope with it. Still, every once in a while, i have these quick flashbacks reminding what it’s like to live without you.

Maybe i'm the one who plays the game
Maybe I turn and make the same mistakes over and over again

you've been through enough to have something hold you back
let's hold on to where we are.

you and i, we never had it easy baby, we had to work so hard.
and everytime, it feels like we're gonna make it
that's when it falls apart.



yes, obviously these are excerpts from songs. the first one is from Risky Business by the Cab. the 2nd and 3rd are both from The Click Five, All I Need is You and I'll Take My Chances.

and yes, i needed to borrow the words of professional artists to... express myself. in a way.

okay, more house hunting time!
how fun.

im currently in japan. and i was in a car and i looked out of the window. cause, well, you know, theres nothing else to do in a car besides looking out of the window, when you're not the one driving. anywho, i kinda felt weird, or like different seeing the cars pass by, but i didnt know what it was. then later, i realized that it was because of this:

the cabs in japan are almost always black, like funeral cars. never bright yellow like it is in taiwan. so in addition to all the personal cars being in different shades of white/black, the cabs were black as well, whereas, in taiwan, basically 1 out of 5 cars that pass by are cabs, hence the colours added to the streets. i felt a little miserable, looking at the cars cause i felt like it was too dark and there wasn't anything to look forward to.

yeah, im definitely dreading moving back.

one good side is that the houses that we were looking at had walls like this:

and it's like paper but much harder. and not as easily ripped as paper. and it's sort of like what a pull buoy's made out of, you know, not hard but not soft material... i honestly dont know what it is. but yeah. and it was sort of smooth but a little bumpy, like a white board that hasnt been erased completely and still has the white board marker marks or the eraser crumbs. anywho, because of that texture, i can put posters & photos up there with some tape and it'll stay, and when i peel it off, the paint wont, like it did in my taiwan house. im somewhat excited about that. cause i have a collection of photos that need to be printed out and be put up on my wall, and johnlee's family is giving me a poster so im gonna put that up too.



on a separate note:
i was talking to brian and i realized that i havent been to the water park since the end of grade 7, which makes me more excited about going there on the 19th with my lovely swimmers :)

new sunglasses

if i handed you a gun. and point it at my head...


would you shoot me

or

do you love me enough to keep me alive?

i understood what you were saying. you were telling me that you loved me the most, that your surrender proved it.  i wanted to argue, but there was no point in starting an argument that would only hurt you more.  two futures, two soul mates... to much for any one person, let alone myself. and so unfair that i wouldn't be the only one to pay for it. Cringing at the thought of that price, i wondered if i would have wavered, if i hadnt lost you once. if i didnt know what it was like to live without you. i wasnt sure. that knowledge was so deep a part of me, i couldnt imagine how i would feel without it. My hindsight seemed unbearable clear. i could see every mistake i'd made, very bit of harm i'd done, the small things and the big things. Each pain i'd caused you, each wound i've given you, stacked up into neat piles that i could not ignore or deny. And i realized that i’d been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not been us that i’d been trying to force together, it was the two parts myself, my me and your me. But they could not exist together and i never should have tried. I’d done so much damage.

At some point during all this, i remembered the promise i’d made to myself earlier----- that i would never make you see me shed another tear. for myself, for you, or for anyone. The thought brought on a round of hysteria. But it passed too, when it had fun its course. It took longer than i thought it would for that smaller, broken part of me to cry herself out. It happened, though, and i was eventually exhausted enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not bring full relief from the pain, just a numbing, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more bearable. But it was still there: i was aware of it, even asleep, and that helped me to make the adjustments i needed to make. 

just wait and see.

You think you know who your true friends are? 

Just wait until high school & see who’s there for you when your ex-boyfriend spreads a rumor about you. 

Think you’ll never do drugs? 

Psh, just wait until it’s right there in front of you & all your friends are doing it. 

Think you’re tough? 

just wait until, you say the wrong thing to the wrong person & see who backs down first. 

Think you’re smart? 

Wait until you have an English essay, chemistry project, and a big math final to study for. 

Think you’re cool? 

wait until you’re the only one who doesn’t make the sports team, let’s see how cool you are then. 

You think you’re popular? 

Wait until you can’t afford the new “trends” that everyone has. 

Think you’ll never fall inlove? 

Wait until that guy looks deep in your eyes, tells your bullshit lies, and says he “loves” you. 

Think you’ll never get heart broken? 

Wait until the same guy who said he “loved” you, is talking to another girl behind your back. 

Think you won’t have sex? 

Wait until the guy you THINK you love says it’ll make you “closer”. 

Think, “nothing’s going to happen to you?” 

Yeah, wait until you’re sitting at the police station wondering how you got caught. 

Think you’re always going to be your own individual? 

Wait until when you look in the mirror & you’re just like everybody else.

on a separate note: my grandma called to tell me that the cameras arrived!

leaving tomorrow for japan
coming back on he 13th.


till then, probably no blog posts or facebook updates
no worries, send me something
and i might have time to read it
if its short & brief
i might reply it as well.


aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd
when i come back, i'll have my underwater camera :)
so excited!










i didnt get to see my dear psychologist before i leave :(

what's the problem? 

nothing. 

every day conversation.

current location: tovebjork's house

im currently at toves house,

*hence the title*

and im chillin' on her bed while she packs her stuff.

i'd say we've done so many things in the two years

but that wont even begin to describe all the things we've been through

cause well

all our moments

are just... totally blonde

im opening her notes when i get home

and read her yearbook post.

shes flying to sweden tonight

with three different flights

im gonna go visit her as soon as i can

or whenever she moves to sweden.

i love you best friend :)

it didnt occur to me until this morning

that i'd never wake up and go to TAS again

or see any of my friends all at once

in the lobby like i've been doing for the past 6 months.

it made me so sad

but it also made me wonder 

why didnt i realize that before?

then i realized that 

and that's why

even though i wasn't okay with leaving TAS

i felt okay about it.

it doesnt even make sense anymore.

it seems like....

some idiot on formspring asked me this:

it seems like your swimmer friends have replaced peyton & derrick & kevin. what's up with that? 

first of all, its buii, not kevin. second. okay. i can have more than.. well, 3 close guy friends. nobody, and i mean nobody, can ever replace peyton, derrick or buii. i've just grown closer to brian & eric & william & ian, they're not replacing anybody, ive just found more people that i want to spend time with, more people that i feel safe around. thats all.

i dont understand why people are making such a big deal out of this. friends come and go. maybe im closer to the swimmers than i am with some people, but, and i know im gonna repeat myself, nobody can EVER replace peyton, derrick or buii. and at the same time, nobody can replace brian, eric, william or ian. its just that apart from peyton, derrick and buii, the swimmers are the people that's seen me at my worst and they dont judge me for what i say or do when im annoyed or disappointed. and they are the ones that are willing to put up with my shit, and i appreciate the fact that they're there for me all the time. which leads me to the fact that i am, yes, closer to the swimmers than most people, but derrick & peyton & buii are on the same level as them. 

understood? 

i feel like im slowly losing you. and that scares me.

JODI PICOULT - HOUSE RULES from nickk


a giraffe from Jessica Wegner :)


&


a pencil case from sammy :)

new camera

Getting a new camera :)

will have it by the 13th, which is when i come back from Japan

its water proof & dust proof and whatnot.

SONY Cyber-shot DSC TX5 red

the wicked witch of the west fucking appears everywhere.

LETTERS TO JULIET was goooood

alex pettifyer <3

I AM CLEANING STEPHS ROOM THE NEXT TIME I COME OVER.

camwhoring

old yearbook photos are gonna go up on fb tmrw when i feel like uploading them :D

today's been a pretty good day.

still, I wish it was possible to go to sleep, & wake-up in the morning like nothing wrong has ever happened.

letters to juliet @ 11 am

with stephhhh 

yeh we were gna go to the water park but its fucking raining

so we decided to go to the movies instead

anywho, she should be here soon.

on a separate note:

june 4th - ian leaving 

june 6th - toves house. she leaves in the evening :( 

june 8th-13th - japan

june 14/15th - jill

june 17th - toy story 3 w/ derrick

june 18th - jill & derrick leaving :( + some dinner shit. 

june 25th - waterpark w/ berlin, brian, gary, eri, eric && william? 

july 3rd - leaving :(

at least she's not gonna blog bad things about us.

er yeah, you got that one wrong.


http://justwondering021.blogspot.com/2010/05/wicked-witch-of-west.html


:)

so here's the thing. 

i like you too much. i cant watch you hurt yourself because of me. or like i cant just stand there and pretend like im okay with the fact that us being together is hurting our frienship, and both of us, at the same time. 

i like you. and i want to be with you. but at the same time, if me being with you is gonna ruin our friendship, if us being together is gonna cost me losing you as a friend, i cant have that. there are certain people that i dont really give a shit about if thye leave my life. but unfortunately, you are not one of them. i'd seriously DIE if you leave my life, trust me, i've been there. and i dont wanna do that again. everytime im with you, you get that look on your face, like...well... mainly pain. like you dont wanna do it anymore. but it also shows that you were trying to work this out because. well, i dont know why.  and you've probably seen me when im around you, like how im not myself and stuff, and that's whats hurting you probably, because you kinda sense that i cant be myself around you. and thats not what real relationships are supposed to be like. we're supposed to be ourselves around each other. i know its too sudden, and nobody saw it coming. and i might be being a little selfish here, but i wanted to end our awkward relationship so it doesnt ruin our FRIENDSHIP. because, to me, you are a friend, before anything else. and it hurts to lose a friend. and i don't wanna go there again. like before, we both thought it might work out like how we were pretty close friends and we started going out and had problems but we talked it out and we thought we were gonna be fine when we broke up but that was just me, and we werent okay after our awkward breakup and i lost the other person.  and you know how much that hurt me and i dont wanna go there with you.  i know, like, im only caring about me getting hurt, like right now but im pretty sure, like, if we keep this up, one of us would get hurt. and i can deal with myself getting hurt but i cant watch you hurt yourself. over me. or about me hurting you.  

i dont know what im trying to say. all i know, is that i let you go because i didn't want to hurt you. thats all. 

I miss the times when all I had to do was be myself and everything would be okay, because I didn't give a shit as to what other people thought. and when I knew, exactly who and who not to trust. but now, its like, theres so many backstabbing and shit going on AROUND ME, and im there to WITNESS all that shit, and that just confuses me more. because I know both sides of the story, but am not really sure which side im suppose to believe. so theres a little bit of confusion in my life everyday, and a bit of shit with others that doesn't concern me directly but does because im overprotective of my friends. which can suck like shit at times like this, because you'll have to juggle a shitload of stuff and you get really confused, and you know you're gonna explode anytime, but you try not to, and then yeah. you explode in the end, and that doesn't end up being so good. 


i need to stop letting my emotions take over my actions. nothing good ever comes out of impetuous acts. 

things i enjoy.

10 things you want for Christmas:
1. bathing suit!
2. nail polish!
3. jeans!
4. new camera!
5. A playlist of good songs
6. CDs!
7. t-shirts && clothes!
8. new room!
9. a new bag!
10. A BOARD.


8 things you do everyday:
1. talk.
2. laugh.
3. lie.
4. facebook.
5. music.
6. pee.
7. swimming
8. Trip over something

7 things you enjoy:
1. talking to certain people
2. listening to music
3. rugby + swimming
4. shopping
5. fb/myspace
6. read.
7. doodling :)

6 things that will always win your heart:
1. Some sense of humour
2. being there for me.
3. surprises
4. not over protective.
5. Still a kid at times
6. not awkward around me.

5 favourites:
1. swimmers!
2. best friends.
3. phoneee.
4. ipoddd.
5. cameraaa

4 smells or scents you enjoy:
1. vanilla
2. strawberry
3. grapefruit
4. freesia

3 places you want to go:
1. australia
2. south africa
3. brazil

2 Favorite Holidays
1. winter
2. summer

1 person you'd marry on the spot:
1. you.

realization.

1. I've come to realize that my best friends are what keeps me sane. 


2. I've come to realize that my job ended two weeks ago. 


3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving, I need to be careful not to hit anyone. 


4. I've come to realize that I need a life without complexity. 


5. I've come to realize that I have lost one of my closest friends because i was stupid enough to let him go. 


6. I've come to realize that I hate it when people invite themselves into my life. 


7. I've come to realize that when I'm drunk, i've had one too many drinks. 


8. I've come to realize that money doesn't solve anything. 


9. I've come to realize that certain people need to stay the fuck out of my life.  


10. I've come to realize that I'll always be shorter than most of my friends. 


11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s) arent related to me. 


12. I've come to realize that my mom is. 


13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is full of msgs from brian + swimmers. 


14. I've come to realize that when I ate breakfast this morning I knew i was gonna be throwing it up soon.


15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep, i thought of you.  


16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking maybe we could get together before you leave. 


17. I've come to realize that my dad is awesome.  


18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook, i mainly just use it for inboxes & photos. 


19. I've come to realize that today's dinner was kinda awkward. 


20. I've come to realize that tonight, i will be hoping it won't rain tomorrow. 


21. I've come to realize that tomorrow, i dont have to go to school. 


22. I've come to realize that I really want to throw away all of this. 


23. I've come to realize that the person i love is slipping away from me. 


24. I've come to realize that life is a bitch. 


25. I've come to realize that this weekend is gonna be kinda sad.


26. I've come to realize that marriage is commitment.


27. I've come to realize that my friends are unique. 


28. I've come to realize that this year has been awfully terrible. 


29. I've come to realize that my ex bf is my best friend. 


30. I've come to realize that maybe things will get better.  


31. I've come to realize that I love summer. 


32. I've come to realize that I don't understand anything anyone says. 


33. I've come to realize that my past was full of mistakes. 


34. I've come to realize that parties are not fun without alcohol :)


35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified... of change


36. I've come to realize that my life... is a bitch :)